Body Shaming

Yesterday, I come in from a trip (a long one, full of reassignments). I rest, go out and run errands, and come home to shower.

A shower is a must after being on a dirty airplane all day!!! As I was getting in the shower, I stood in front of the mirror picking at every ounce of "fat" that I felt that I had. I realized that every time I walk into a bathroom, a gym, or a store, I stare in the mirror at my body. I have the same emotions and feelings towards it: disgusting, fat, lose a little weight here or there, unworthy, big butt, ugly, not skinny enough.

As all of these emotions were going through my head, I stopped, I pondered. I realized I was body shaming MYSELF! Its not other people speaking these negative things to me, its me. I'm my worst enemy. We are our worst critics, even when we don't realize it at the moment.

Body shaming was coming from myself and my own thoughts, I realized I'm the one who can change these thought patterns. I climbed in bed utterly exhausted from my trip, but found God whose been waiting on me to submit this over to him. He is so patient and willing to wait until I'm ready.

What's cool about God is that he is gentle and willing to give you direction in how to get your mind whole and strong again. He wasn't shaming me for how I felt. He was accepting in how my thought processes were going. I felt a peace over my mind that hasn't been there in a while. He reminded me that in the worlds eye's I'm not perfect but in His eyes I am perfect.

I didn't realize for so long I was body shaming myself. I believed since I had been in recovery for quiet sometime that I was healthy, because my weight has been healthy. Reality body shaming is putting yourself down. We all can sit here and say we have done this at one point or another in our lives. Especially us women :).

We can change these behaviors by making small changes each day. Heck no, it won't be an overnight process. I wish! We all wish! But each day instead of focusing on what we hate the most about our bodies we can find one positive thing about our body or ourselves. We can learn to love ourselves. I don't have the answers but I do know it is possible to recover from body shaming.

Lets take each day as it come and slowly we will be able to accept ourselves!

Mother Teresa Struggled Too

Lately I have had a heavy heart to bring light to the topic of depression. Even if it encourages just one person, its worth my time to sit here and type. I also think that its time for people to stand up and help take the stigma away from the term "depression." 

Soon after I posted last week on depression, I ran across an article that shared that Mother Teresa struggled with depression. I was shocked, but I was also reminded that depression doesn't discriminate gender, sexuality, christian, non christian, good people, bad people, cultures. It can plague anyone! 

Here is a quote from Mother Teresa:

"Lord, my God, who am I that You should forsake me? The child of your love -- and now become as the most hated one -- the one You have thrown away as unwanted -- unloved. I call, I cling, I want -- and there is no One to answer -- no One on Whom I can cling -- no, No One. Alone . . . I am told God loves me -- and yet the reality of darkness & coldness & emptiness is so great that nothing touches my soul."

She wrote this in the 1950s. From a woman who committed her time to helping the poor, sick, and hurting. She felt alone, abandoned, hurt, left in the dark, and empty. Many of us today can relate to her emotions and feelings. We've all been here and felt no hope! Whether its a chemical imbalance, environmental, or circumstantial, we've been in the pit. 

But...yes...BUT....look at Mother Teresa, she overcame. She didn't allow the enemy or the world to take her down. There is hope for us all. There is healing for us. She made peace within herself and God to overcome this. I'm sure she still had many days of darkness but chose joy and to focus on others. 

I believe when we take the focus off our situation and struggles to focus on others, things begin to fall into place. We may still have days where we feel down and out because I know I sure do! Its we are HUMAN not God nor perfect. But take those days as they come and try to do the next best thing for you. Nothing is an overnight change, it takes time and refocus on the things that need to be focused on. 

Allow Mother Teresa's struggle in life to become an encouragement to you and me. She fought hard and focused on others to be who she was. Isn't it wonderful to see such a strong, brave woman show her hurting side, so people like you and me could find hope and encouragement! 

Be brave today friend! 

Stop the Stigma

So....Lets talk about a topic that no one wants to talk openly about. There are many reason people avoid the topic of "Depression." 

1) The stigma on the word "depression"

2) The shame one holds who is struggling

3) Being labeled as a mental disorder

4) People believe its self inflicted

5) People judge you for your struggle

These are just a few reasons that came to mind first. I know we could go through a list and think of reasons we won't discuss depression. But I'm here to be real about depression. 

Leave the stigma behind and lets talk. 

I can't pinpoint exactly when my depression first occurred, but I know it started young.  I was going through a difficult situation that I had no control over at around 8 years old. I honestly didn't understand the circumstances until a couple years later. That is when my life went to turmoil. I didn't realize at the time it was depression that I was dealing with. 

Once I started struggling with depression as a preteen it was just the start of what years ahead would look like. It has gone into my teenage years and my adult years. Sometimes you can't even describe why you are depressed, which then causes people to judge. This shuts the person down who is struggling with depression. Which can lead to a deep downward spiral in their life. 

I've been in some really scary places in my life when I felt as there was no hope. Causes for these emotions can vary from losing a loved one, failure, having no value or self worth, break ups, disappointments, and many more things. 

But where the stigma stops is where support comes in from loved ones. I have been fortunate to have family and close friends walking this journey of life with me. Yes, I know that it has been hard for my family over the years but you know what they have carried me through. 

Ways you can stop the stigma:

1) Listen to your friend or loved one.

2) Show you care for their needs. 

3) Do research on depression to better understand their emotions/feelings. 

4) Be accepting. 

5) Never give up when they are struggling. 

Your support can go a long way! But please stop judging the person whose struggling because you may not realize the internal battle they are dealing with.  Be patient with your friend or family member during the vulnerable season they are in. 

You never know, you may save a life! 

Empowering Others

"I love

the person

I've become

because I fought

to become her."

~Kaci Diane

Recently I had an opportunity to chat with a fellow Flight Attendant for a while on the phone. I haven't even flown with her, but she jump seated on a flight I was working many months ago. We got to talking about many things during the 45 minutes we had on the phone. 

One take away I took was Empowering women. It really got the wheels going on in my mind! I have been living many years of my life trying to figure out life. Have I figured it out? Heck no! Will I ever? Absolutely NO! But I had this false thought that I had to have my crap together in order to empower and help others. 

Reality here is, we will always be a work in progress whether we are 20 or 90 years old. So what is stopping me or you from empowering others? Is it fear? Is it anxiety? Is it your past? Is it your time? 

I don't have a solution where to start or begin. So we're in this together figuring it out. But whether its part of my story or life experience lets link together and empower others. 

Be bold and share your life experiences to others. Love one another. Fight for one another. We can make a change in others lives! 

Seasons in the Journey

Its been a while since I've sat down and shared my heart! So here we are on this beautiful 25th of May! I sit outside my home in Mckinney, Texas, hearing the waterfall dripping into the pool. Its a beautiful and peaceful place to sit. Minus the humidity and bugs already happening here!! 

I will back up to last September, so many changes, so many moves, new states, new cities, new people.  You name it, I have probably experienced it within the realm of moving. I started my journey in Dallas, Texas last September. I was excited about this new opportunity so the thought of being away from family and friends wasn't as big of a deal. I now had 59 new friends and cohorts. We were thrown into long hours of studying, classes, drills, videos, crazy hours, and many different personalities. And boy did I study! I felt after class, I hit the books! It was well worth it. 

My plan was to stay in Dallas as my base, well we know God had a DIFFERENT plan for my life. I found out around week four of training my little Arkansas self would be driving to Miami, Florida for a new life. Was I happy? No! Did I make it? YES! A girl who grew up in a town of 50,000 people to a city that never slept! It was an adjustment to say the least! I wasn't ready, but I was going. God sent a few blessings with me to Miami. He sent 36 of my classmates and I to Miami and sent a family I would live with for six months. This family became my own family. The loved me, they prayed with me, they encouraged me, cooked me dinner, took me to Cracker Barrel when I asked, watched stupid movies with me on Sundays, and became part of my life. My three besties from training even went to Miami. It was a challenging transition with many tears, but it was filled with Joy, growth, fun, adventure, and life. I wouldn't have been able to grow and figure out more of myself if I hadn't lived in Miami for the six months. I had a love/hate relationship with it. I would sit for hours on the beach and just dream. Sunsets, dinner with my girls, flying international the second I hold a line in Miami. I mean who holds international as a new flight attendant? Not many of us. But I still had this growing heart to move back to Dallas. 

Here I am. I'm here! I received my transfer to Dallas/Forth Worth with much excitement back in April of this year. I called my mom right away, posted on social media, texted friends. I was thrilled. Little did I think about in my excitement was the transition of moving once again. I had just gotten comfortable living in Florida. Learning the area, meeting a few people, flying amazing trips, loving my new family. So here I am, I'm a Texas girl now. But the emotions started to come, the out of places settled in, the sadness of missing my new family and best friends that I had met flying, the unknown, the thought of did I make the right decision? So many things going on. I honestly felt much depression from this. And the flying isn't as great here as it is in Miami :). 

I went from vibrant to just functioning. I think if I had prepared myself to the new "New" I would have handled it much differently. But once I began to remember that even in my excitement going to training and moving to Florida, I still had these moments. I just thought I was so excited to be a Flight Attendant for the New American, I didn't feel the emotions are deeply. But if I look back on the first days of training and moving to Florida, they were there. I was just focused on work and traveling more than having times on my hand. 

Moving to Dallas, I know a few people but we fly totally different schedules. And the months I'm on reserve we have a lot more down time than work time. Which is amazing when I had people to go see or go sit on the beach. Here its different. I would text my few friends for prayers, encouragement. and share my heart. Which has been the biggest blessings in my life! 

Last weekend I was laying around and thinking okay what are some changes I could make to get out of my funk. I had a few friends tell me about Gateway. But I also had a special angel on my first reserve trip out of Dallas. We had a long flight back from Brazil so much time to chat. I had found out this lady was a speaker and writer. I asked about her life, when she was in town where she attended church. She went to Gateway, just another way God leading me to this church. 

I finally took a leap of faith last Saturday and went. It reminded me so much of New Life back in Arkansas. I felt at home. It was my place, it was my home. Also I am learning to do things alone, being a people person this can be challenge. I took myself on a couple dinner dates. I may have looked like the poor girl sitting in the corner, but it was amazing to be brave enough to go and do something like this. I found that it was okay to share a meal alone. Not that I want to continue to live like this, but for this season I'm learning to lean into God and allow him to teach me and grow me. 

I share the entire background that you can understand its all seasons we go through. But in this season I'm learning I have a choice to make in how I deal with it. For a couple weeks, it wasn't pretty and I still may fail. But I know I have a God that is bigger than any transition we go through. Its not easy, it sucks to be blunt! But slowly finding my place here will be worth it in the end. It will be and feel more like home! 

No matter where you find yourself, in the dumps, low low low, hopeless, helpless, angry, sad, or on top of the world, excited, ready for the next season. Know God is a big God. He will carry you through and give you the peace that can only be from him. 

I work in progress. I may have broken pieces shattered all over the place, but I see a God that is putting the pieces slowly back together to make beautiful. Its just a season, so keep swimming!!!  

"If you feel like 

you're falling apart,

fall into my arms.

I promise I will catch

every little piece of you

and I promise 

I will always love 

your brokenness." 

--Anita Krizzan

I see God in this little quote like none other! He is constant in our lives. And loves our brokenness! 

Worried?

Real Life, Real Struggles

Lately, has been filled with worry. Whether its reality or just scared of things that haven't happened yet.  It has plagued me recently.  I have lost sleep, not been in the presence moment, and just not been happy. 

We all could admit that we struggle at times with worry. Can't you? I know, I can! How do you handle yourself when you feel completely out of control with your worry? Its a nonfunctional feeling. I get it too well. I'm not usually this open about this debilitating feeling. But here I am, I know I'm not alone in this area. 

Some things I have worried about is not even worth my time. Because it may never happen. Ever been there? But it seems so real in that moment. Or things that you think will happen because of the things going on. Its like how can I get my brain to stop!!! Its a daily struggle. 

But here is where I am, after no sleep for a few days. Literally NO SLEEP!! I was a mess. But then after a day and a half of more sleep! I took a 4 hour nap. Then slept 12 hours the next night. Sleep has done wonders. I mean, I get why we are designed to SLEEP! I'm a functional person again. I'm thinking more clear. Because I was the irrational person speaking for a couple days! 

So after getting sleep. Getting my brain and body back into sync. Things changed for the better. I was thinking clearer (Thank God!). I was able to function in a way I hadn't in a while. So when you're back to rational thinking. You see God more clear and that he was walking in the midst of that darkness the entire time. Even when I didn't see or feel him. 

I love knowing that God never left my side. I lose sight of that when I get so worried and amped up into irrational thinking. He was there, waiting on me to run back to him. Wow!! So here are a few lessons I've learned in the last bit of dealing with extreme worry. 

1) God has not left my side. He cared for me in the midst of my fears. 

2) I was loved and cared for even when I didn't feel it. 

3) I was never alone. 

4) We think more clearer when we finally sleep!!!

5) Allow God to meet you in the midst of the worry. 

6) Thankful through it all. I am learning through it now. 

We are human, we go through all different things to get us to where we need to go. I have not overcome this. But I have taken a step closer to overcoming. 

"So don't worry about 

tomorrow, for tomorrow will

bring its own worries. 

Today's trouble is enough for 

today."

Matthew 6:34

"Don't worry about

anything; Instead, pray

about everything. Tell God

what you need, and thank 

him for all he has done."

Philippians 4:6

These are two verses I have been clinging too. And trusting. I pray that through my struggle, you will be encouraged and able to overcome and feel like you are not ALONE!!!                                                                                                                                                                                                                   

Just a Dream

We all have dreams right? A lot of dreams that we don't actually react to. Been there most of my life. I ponder on things I want to do but never put action to these dreams. A lot of the reason I didn't put action to the dreams is because of the lies I was believing. I didn't think I was worthy enough, smart enough, or good enough. All these things the enemy kept telling me. My story wouldn't help anyone was a big one. I was so tired of listening to these lies. So I finally said screw the devil, I'm going to follow my dream.

If you've followed my blog for any time, you know that I speak a lot on recovery, addiction, eating disorders, depression, pain, anger, exercise, abuse, and much more. I'll continue to blog and share my thoughts and heart. But its time to fully emerge myself in one of my biggest dreams yet!

I truly believe that the things I have been through isn't to be kept quiet any longer but to share with others who are hurting also. We ALL have a story to tell! And it all has meaning for others and for yourself. So I'm here to share the pain, failures, hurts, for others to find healing. And praying for more healing within my own heart.

I'm still a broken person. I think we all are a little if we look within ourselves. I still have daily struggles, daily surrenders, daily decision to make. But that's no longer stopping me from sharing with others. I'll continue to heal, learn, and grow through this season.

But my story is finally hitting "book" form. I'm going to be raw and real but also share that there is hope no matter where we are. I'm praying God uses each part to touch just one person who needs to hear it. I'm excited and ready for this next season.

Isaiah 61

The Spirit of God, the Master, is on me because God anointed me. He sent me to preach good news to the poor, heal the heartbroken, Announce freedom to all captives, pardon all prisoners. God sent me to announce the year of his grace— a celebration of God’s destruction of our enemies— and to comfort all who mourn, To care for the needs of all who mourn in Zion, give them bouquets of roses instead of ashes, Messages of joy instead of news of doom, a praising heart instead of a languid spirit. Rename them “Oaks of Righteousness” planted by God to display his glory. They’ll rebuild the old ruins, raise a new city out of the wreckage. They’ll start over on the ruined cities, take the rubble left behind and make it new. You’ll hire outsiders to herd your flocks and foreigners to work your fields, But you’ll have the title “Priests of God,” honored as ministers of our God. You’ll feast on the bounty of nations, you’ll bask in their glory. Because you got a double dose of trouble and more than your share of contempt, Your inheritance in the land will be doubled and your joy go on forever.

I feel as God has given me this verse to stand on during this time of writing and seeking him for guidance. This is where it all starts. Stay tuned for details throughout this journey!!!