Liberating and Free

Here's to a delirious blog post! I have been wanting to write all day. So finally two jobs later, I AM HERE! So bear with me through this.

Yesterday, I needed to be a recluse for a few hours. And the times I need to get away, it is in the best interest for myself and others around me! I can sometimes not be nice. So I drove myself out to run the trails. Its my place to run, think, pray, cry, talk out loud, and not have to deal with reality. I had no agenda but to enjoy myself and escape life for a bit. There is absolutely NOTHING more freeing than to be alone splashing through the mud, getting muddy, hearing only nature around me, and having a few explosions (few will understand that last one)!!!!! It was a quiet day for a Sunday afternoon out there. I loved every minute of it. 

Running is my outlet from the world. Yes, it can work against me because of my struggles with being obsessed with burning calories and having to be fit. But this day it was surprisingly not about that. Probably one of the most freeing feelings for me, is knowing this time it wasn't for burning calories. It truly was for me to get away from life and the things bothering me to just BE. We aren't quiet or still long enough to just BE! So guilty of this! 

As I ran the trails I allowed myself to forget my struggles, my fears, my hurts, my pain to be thankful! I felt like a little kid again. Since the day before it had rained the trails were MUDDY!!!! But I became the innocent little girl that I had missed out on for many years. The carefree girl came out of me. I began to not jump around the mud but to embrace jumping in it, splashing through it, and enjoying myself. Much of my life has been filled with a lot of pain and hurt. Few of you know my story and may be one day I'll be open to share more to encourage you to fight through your own daily pain. But it was a liberating 7.5 miles for me. 

Not a great picture but you can see some of the mud I enjoyed jumping in. It was a beautiful time for me to find a new freedom in life. To walk away from painful memories and embrace the inner child I had missed out on. This doesn't mean things are easy or great but to make new memories and start moving forward from past abuse. Its like in an area of my life, I am living again. Its crazy how it all came out on the trails. I ran extremely slow for me. My running friends would tell me to shut up! But I'm here to say I was running trail at a 10:40 average mile pace!!!!!! Call me a turtle. But the pressure was off myself to perform within the running sphere. I was free to enjoy. I felt like myself for a short time. A piece of myself was put back together. 

I hope you enjoyed being on the journey with me for a moment. Life is a journey! Its a daily choice in how you choose to react and be. So choose wisely my friend. Go out and live your adventurous life. It is worth being your unique self that no other feet can fill! 

Today you are you, 

that is truer than true. 

There is no one alive 

who is youer than you.

Dr. Seuss

The Journey Continues Four Years Later

I looked up many different definitions of Mercy. One I found hit home to what it means to me.

Mercy- Compassionate Treatment. 

This is a great way to explain Mercy Ministries. (www.mercyministries.com) 

I love this necklace! You know when something has such deep meaning to your life? I understand its just a materialistic thing. But what a reminder it has written on my heart. My mom actually gave it to me not long after returning home from Mercy in 2011. I still put it on with my outfits! Its a reminder of the place I found God to be real in my life. And my journey of healing began. 

I walked into Mercy Ministries a broken, lost, little girl at heart. I was filled with living a worldly lifestyle, that I thought I would never be able to come out of. I had not only hurt myself but had been hurting my family and friends for years. People who loved me and fought for me, I was daily hurting. They were at a loss...No wait, I also was at a loss. I was knocking on death's door step! How scary is that? I look back at that and it's scary to think how I was so close to death with my lifestyle. And the thing is, I was choosing that lifestyle and death over myself. WE have a choice! There is power in understanding we have a CHOICE!!! Its a daily choice! 

Enough about the negative....Yes, I was in a BAD place. But you know what??? The beauty is I FOUND JESUS! I had been in church at times in my life, but so hardened that I wasn't open to God 100 %. Having a hard heart allow the devil to have that stronghold, which then keeps you from God. Yup, that was the story of my life. The way I explain it at times is, the devil had my heart hardened and closed my ears off to hear truth. 

I remember allowing God to come into my heart a few weeks after being there. It was so beautiful. I was able to unleash some of my struggles slowly. I had a very patient counselor who listened and walked through some of my wounds with me. She taught me so much during my time at Mercy. I also had a director over the house in California, who is still in my life today. We had such a special bond while I was there. She always shared a verse with us. And recently it became real in my life. 
John 10:10
The thief comes only 
in order to kill and steal and
destroy. I came that you
may have and enjoy life,
and have it in abundance
(to the full, till it overflows).

I lived many years in defeat even after Mercy I had my struggles. And defeat would come over my life. But I remember texting Momma Cheryl just a week or two ago. And I finally said I have let go of defeat and come to the second half of the verse! And she said ITS A CHOICE!! Not that boldly, but I am speaking boldly to you! But I was like WOW, 4 years later, I'M UNDERSTANDING!!! We don't have to live in defeat, addiction, depression, anxiety, death, anger, sadness, lust, comparison, jealousy, and overall worldly lifestyle. YOU CAN ENJOY LIFE AND HAVE IT IN ABUNDANCE!!!! 

Many people have had such a HUGE influence on my life at Mercy. I found God. Which is most important. I began my journey of healing. Which is amazing. I had a Mercy sister bond like none other. I have friends who will always understand me. It was the start of the journey and life I am on today! 

Over the past few years, its been a journey! A roller coaster journey!!! I have continued to heal, continued to find Jesus, strayed away, gone back into addiction at times, and much more! But one thing is, each time I have fallen, God himself has picked me up or sent someone who was more mature in the faith to pick me up. He has sent people in my life to help continue fight the the journey of life and help me continue to heal! its definitely not been easy, but I do know that I have a fighting spirit in me that has kept me going. I am very grateful to the woman I am becoming because of the couple people who have stood by me, encouraged me, never given up on me, and have fought for me when I couldn't fight!! God has done some amazing things. And will continue. I will continue healing and fighting this battle. Because I know life is worth living and fighting for. 

Mercy was a stepping stone to set me up for life and continued healing. I am forever grateful!