Seasons in the Journey

Its been a while since I've sat down and shared my heart! So here we are on this beautiful 25th of May! I sit outside my home in Mckinney, Texas, hearing the waterfall dripping into the pool. Its a beautiful and peaceful place to sit. Minus the humidity and bugs already happening here!! 

I will back up to last September, so many changes, so many moves, new states, new cities, new people.  You name it, I have probably experienced it within the realm of moving. I started my journey in Dallas, Texas last September. I was excited about this new opportunity so the thought of being away from family and friends wasn't as big of a deal. I now had 59 new friends and cohorts. We were thrown into long hours of studying, classes, drills, videos, crazy hours, and many different personalities. And boy did I study! I felt after class, I hit the books! It was well worth it. 

My plan was to stay in Dallas as my base, well we know God had a DIFFERENT plan for my life. I found out around week four of training my little Arkansas self would be driving to Miami, Florida for a new life. Was I happy? No! Did I make it? YES! A girl who grew up in a town of 50,000 people to a city that never slept! It was an adjustment to say the least! I wasn't ready, but I was going. God sent a few blessings with me to Miami. He sent 36 of my classmates and I to Miami and sent a family I would live with for six months. This family became my own family. The loved me, they prayed with me, they encouraged me, cooked me dinner, took me to Cracker Barrel when I asked, watched stupid movies with me on Sundays, and became part of my life. My three besties from training even went to Miami. It was a challenging transition with many tears, but it was filled with Joy, growth, fun, adventure, and life. I wouldn't have been able to grow and figure out more of myself if I hadn't lived in Miami for the six months. I had a love/hate relationship with it. I would sit for hours on the beach and just dream. Sunsets, dinner with my girls, flying international the second I hold a line in Miami. I mean who holds international as a new flight attendant? Not many of us. But I still had this growing heart to move back to Dallas. 

Here I am. I'm here! I received my transfer to Dallas/Forth Worth with much excitement back in April of this year. I called my mom right away, posted on social media, texted friends. I was thrilled. Little did I think about in my excitement was the transition of moving once again. I had just gotten comfortable living in Florida. Learning the area, meeting a few people, flying amazing trips, loving my new family. So here I am, I'm a Texas girl now. But the emotions started to come, the out of places settled in, the sadness of missing my new family and best friends that I had met flying, the unknown, the thought of did I make the right decision? So many things going on. I honestly felt much depression from this. And the flying isn't as great here as it is in Miami :). 

I went from vibrant to just functioning. I think if I had prepared myself to the new "New" I would have handled it much differently. But once I began to remember that even in my excitement going to training and moving to Florida, I still had these moments. I just thought I was so excited to be a Flight Attendant for the New American, I didn't feel the emotions are deeply. But if I look back on the first days of training and moving to Florida, they were there. I was just focused on work and traveling more than having times on my hand. 

Moving to Dallas, I know a few people but we fly totally different schedules. And the months I'm on reserve we have a lot more down time than work time. Which is amazing when I had people to go see or go sit on the beach. Here its different. I would text my few friends for prayers, encouragement. and share my heart. Which has been the biggest blessings in my life! 

Last weekend I was laying around and thinking okay what are some changes I could make to get out of my funk. I had a few friends tell me about Gateway. But I also had a special angel on my first reserve trip out of Dallas. We had a long flight back from Brazil so much time to chat. I had found out this lady was a speaker and writer. I asked about her life, when she was in town where she attended church. She went to Gateway, just another way God leading me to this church. 

I finally took a leap of faith last Saturday and went. It reminded me so much of New Life back in Arkansas. I felt at home. It was my place, it was my home. Also I am learning to do things alone, being a people person this can be challenge. I took myself on a couple dinner dates. I may have looked like the poor girl sitting in the corner, but it was amazing to be brave enough to go and do something like this. I found that it was okay to share a meal alone. Not that I want to continue to live like this, but for this season I'm learning to lean into God and allow him to teach me and grow me. 

I share the entire background that you can understand its all seasons we go through. But in this season I'm learning I have a choice to make in how I deal with it. For a couple weeks, it wasn't pretty and I still may fail. But I know I have a God that is bigger than any transition we go through. Its not easy, it sucks to be blunt! But slowly finding my place here will be worth it in the end. It will be and feel more like home! 

No matter where you find yourself, in the dumps, low low low, hopeless, helpless, angry, sad, or on top of the world, excited, ready for the next season. Know God is a big God. He will carry you through and give you the peace that can only be from him. 

I work in progress. I may have broken pieces shattered all over the place, but I see a God that is putting the pieces slowly back together to make beautiful. Its just a season, so keep swimming!!!  

"If you feel like 

you're falling apart,

fall into my arms.

I promise I will catch

every little piece of you

and I promise 

I will always love 

your brokenness." 

--Anita Krizzan

I see God in this little quote like none other! He is constant in our lives. And loves our brokenness! 

Worried?

Real Life, Real Struggles

Lately, has been filled with worry. Whether its reality or just scared of things that haven't happened yet.  It has plagued me recently.  I have lost sleep, not been in the presence moment, and just not been happy. 

We all could admit that we struggle at times with worry. Can't you? I know, I can! How do you handle yourself when you feel completely out of control with your worry? Its a nonfunctional feeling. I get it too well. I'm not usually this open about this debilitating feeling. But here I am, I know I'm not alone in this area. 

Some things I have worried about is not even worth my time. Because it may never happen. Ever been there? But it seems so real in that moment. Or things that you think will happen because of the things going on. Its like how can I get my brain to stop!!! Its a daily struggle. 

But here is where I am, after no sleep for a few days. Literally NO SLEEP!! I was a mess. But then after a day and a half of more sleep! I took a 4 hour nap. Then slept 12 hours the next night. Sleep has done wonders. I mean, I get why we are designed to SLEEP! I'm a functional person again. I'm thinking more clear. Because I was the irrational person speaking for a couple days! 

So after getting sleep. Getting my brain and body back into sync. Things changed for the better. I was thinking clearer (Thank God!). I was able to function in a way I hadn't in a while. So when you're back to rational thinking. You see God more clear and that he was walking in the midst of that darkness the entire time. Even when I didn't see or feel him. 

I love knowing that God never left my side. I lose sight of that when I get so worried and amped up into irrational thinking. He was there, waiting on me to run back to him. Wow!! So here are a few lessons I've learned in the last bit of dealing with extreme worry. 

1) God has not left my side. He cared for me in the midst of my fears. 

2) I was loved and cared for even when I didn't feel it. 

3) I was never alone. 

4) We think more clearer when we finally sleep!!!

5) Allow God to meet you in the midst of the worry. 

6) Thankful through it all. I am learning through it now. 

We are human, we go through all different things to get us to where we need to go. I have not overcome this. But I have taken a step closer to overcoming. 

"So don't worry about 

tomorrow, for tomorrow will

bring its own worries. 

Today's trouble is enough for 

today."

Matthew 6:34

"Don't worry about

anything; Instead, pray

about everything. Tell God

what you need, and thank 

him for all he has done."

Philippians 4:6

These are two verses I have been clinging too. And trusting. I pray that through my struggle, you will be encouraged and able to overcome and feel like you are not ALONE!!!                                                                                                                                                                                                                   

Just a Dream

We all have dreams right? A lot of dreams that we don't actually react to. Been there most of my life. I ponder on things I want to do but never put action to these dreams. A lot of the reason I didn't put action to the dreams is because of the lies I was believing. I didn't think I was worthy enough, smart enough, or good enough. All these things the enemy kept telling me. My story wouldn't help anyone was a big one. I was so tired of listening to these lies. So I finally said screw the devil, I'm going to follow my dream.

If you've followed my blog for any time, you know that I speak a lot on recovery, addiction, eating disorders, depression, pain, anger, exercise, abuse, and much more. I'll continue to blog and share my thoughts and heart. But its time to fully emerge myself in one of my biggest dreams yet!

I truly believe that the things I have been through isn't to be kept quiet any longer but to share with others who are hurting also. We ALL have a story to tell! And it all has meaning for others and for yourself. So I'm here to share the pain, failures, hurts, for others to find healing. And praying for more healing within my own heart.

I'm still a broken person. I think we all are a little if we look within ourselves. I still have daily struggles, daily surrenders, daily decision to make. But that's no longer stopping me from sharing with others. I'll continue to heal, learn, and grow through this season.

But my story is finally hitting "book" form. I'm going to be raw and real but also share that there is hope no matter where we are. I'm praying God uses each part to touch just one person who needs to hear it. I'm excited and ready for this next season.

Isaiah 61

The Spirit of God, the Master, is on me because God anointed me. He sent me to preach good news to the poor, heal the heartbroken, Announce freedom to all captives, pardon all prisoners. God sent me to announce the year of his grace— a celebration of God’s destruction of our enemies— and to comfort all who mourn, To care for the needs of all who mourn in Zion, give them bouquets of roses instead of ashes, Messages of joy instead of news of doom, a praising heart instead of a languid spirit. Rename them “Oaks of Righteousness” planted by God to display his glory. They’ll rebuild the old ruins, raise a new city out of the wreckage. They’ll start over on the ruined cities, take the rubble left behind and make it new. You’ll hire outsiders to herd your flocks and foreigners to work your fields, But you’ll have the title “Priests of God,” honored as ministers of our God. You’ll feast on the bounty of nations, you’ll bask in their glory. Because you got a double dose of trouble and more than your share of contempt, Your inheritance in the land will be doubled and your joy go on forever.

I feel as God has given me this verse to stand on during this time of writing and seeking him for guidance. This is where it all starts. Stay tuned for details throughout this journey!!!

How Plexus Helped My Eating Disorder

Over the past year, I have had a couple people approach me about joining Plexus. I was like absolutely NO! And that was because of my history of my eating disorder. I knew putting "weight loss" products in my life would not be healthy. I also knew that I would be judged by others who knew what plexus products were usually used for. So I chose not too.

I went on with my life and didn't think about it a whole lot after that. I moved to Texas for training and then onto Florida, where I live now. I reached out to an old friend because I was struggling with depression, being away from friends and family, and starting a new career. It was just a challenging time for me.

My friend encouraged me and was there for me. After a few conversations she shared Plexus with me. I was like no at first and since we have a close relationship I could share my concerns about the products. She totally understood my fears and concerns. So I did my own research!! I realized that not all products are for weight loss. Its about so much more!! Its about finding health in your body!!!!!

After about a week, I got back to my friend and said I'M IN!!! She was thrilled to help me get started.

Over the years my recovery with my Eating Disorder has been full of ups and downs. Some days are great and other days are a struggle. Its part of my normal life. As I began the products I realized things were changing, but for the GOOD. I was no longer craving all the sugar and carbs, which this helped me choose healthier options. When I choose things that are healthier, I feel so much better about myself. Craving healthy food is an amazing feeling!

I no longer was bingeing. I would sit down and stop when I was full. This would never happen in the past. I would normally skip meals or eat like a horse when I sat down to eat. I had zero control and zero balance. Now, I feel "semi-normal" when I sit down to eat. I only eat until I'm full. I still have my days where I may skip or eat too much. But I have the control over food that I never have had before. I feel the confidence I never had before over food. I know its still a journey for me, but its a journey that I can handle now.

Craving water and healthy foods. Oh my goodness!! Let me tell you, I have always been a super healthy eater but that was because I was scared of most foods that were not in my "safe" food group. I would just eat healthy to maintain. But I would end up bingeing on the "bad"foods. Now I look for salads, greens, vegetables, all healthy food. I love it! I don't think about where is that chocolate or cake or pie. I will enjoy a piece if I am given a piece. But I stop after a couple bites now. Use too, I would eat the whole piece or more and purge. Not a healthy thing. But it was my reality. It may also be your reality. You're not alone!! Its hard!!! I'm also always looking for water. I love water now. I feel better getting all the water in, where use to I would not get even half of my daily water intake in.

I use to always be so exhausted. And this is because I never was getting enough sleep or the proper intake of food. My sleep has always been horrible! Since I was a kid. Now I'm sleeping most of the time at least 7-8 hours a night. This has never happened. I kinda get excited now to look at my fitbit in the morning to see how my sleep was!! I have never had the best eating habits. Like I said earlier, it was either restriction or bingeing. I have not fully conquered this part. But I am daily eating more, because I am craving healthy things. And I know the days I eat the things my body needs, I feel so much better. I have the energy that I need to properly perform my job. So it may be a challenge to get in all the nutrients that I need, but I am improving each day!!! Thank you Jesus!

If you struggle with an eating disorder, please don't be scared to take the next step. This may be products to help you overcome as it has for me! I would love to walk this journey with you or a loved one. Please feel free to contact me!!

whitneyrwest@yahoo.com

Keep on Fighting!!!

The Legacy of Papaw

This is my last picture with Papaw. I happened to be home the weekend my family put him on hospice. I am so thankful I was home. I sat in a chair right by his bed and just held his hand. It was a beautiful moment for us. We played the Gathers (his favorite christian band). We played Amazing Grace!! He became coherent when I played Amazing Grace. He loved it. I could tell he was ready to go be with the Lord that day. I continued telling him we were all taken care of and he could go in peace. Just two days later, he left us.

I had an amazing grandpa. He loved his family well. He always made sure we were all taken care of. He was a pastor for over 50 years. He led many to Christ as well as our family also. He wanted all of us to come to Christ and know him. He lived this example out daily, which inspires me to live out also. Knowing he loved Jesus like he did, helped us have peace with his passing. He is reunited with Jesus and his wife Momma Hattie. Papaw is loving life! We are thankful!

A story I shared at his celebration last week, I thought I could share with my readers.

I always spent at least once a week with my grandparents. I would drive them to Cracker Barrel and we would enjoy our lunch. On this particular day, my Momma Hattie stayed home to tutor. So it was just Papaw and myself. After we finished lunch, I asked what else he needed to do while we were out? He proceeded to tell me he needed is drivers license renewed. So, I drove him down to the DMV. They checked his eyes, took his picture, and we walked out with a new license.
As I got home that night, I told my dad about our day. He told me he had been putting off getting that renewed because Papaw wasn't suppose to be driving anymore. He may have gotten his license renewed, but never made it back on the road. At least to my knowledge!!

We have many more memories but that is something my family and I still laugh about! He will be missed! But he is now living in paradise and loving life!!

You Are Not Your Eating Disorder

Yes, I'm posting a clip I wrote about Christen again. But what I want you to focus on is:

" You are not 

Your illness. 

You have an

Individual

story to tell.

You have 

a name,

a history,

a Personality.

Staying 

yourself 

is part of

the battle."

I love this quote, I'm unsure who wrote it. I won't take credit for it :). But friends, we are not our eating disorder. How cool is that. I have been guilty of saying, "my" eating disorder. Oh my word, its not "my" because I am speaking that its still part of me. Yes, I still struggle but I don't have to be identified to the eating disorder as possession over my life. 

I believe when we take out the possession of the Eating disorder, it doesn't have as much power over us. I mean in reality, who really wants the power of being identified as only being the girl who has an eating disorder. It takes time to begin peeling the onion and changing your mindset of how you view yourself outside of the eating disorder. This takes times, and I'm still learning this daily. 

Viewing yourself outside of having an eating disorder is hard. We are powerful women who have a story to share. Our story is to help others overcome there own demons of the eating disorder. The cool thing is even if we are still in the middle of our struggle, you can help others by sharing your passion of overcoming, having victory over small things and big things, being yourself to others, and being true to YOU!! 

God has a plan for each of us. Yes, at times I struggle with this because I want a quick fix, my own power. But God is working for us not against us! He is waiting for us to fully give over the eating disorder to him! He is unfolding your story right in front of you! We can choose to write out own story which brings more defeat than anything. Or we can choose to allow God to help write our stories. These stories become powerful! It takes the power of our eating disorder to a story of healing and redemption. Still learning each day on how to let go and let God! 

Be you, fight for you, fight for others, love yourself, be kind to yourself, help yourself, help others, don't give up....

A song I cling to daily, it inspires me to fight!!!!

Until you stop breathing
Until you stop bleeding
Until your heart stops kick-drum beating
When it's hard times
When it's long days
And the enemy is right up in your face
When your back's against the ropes and you're feeling all alone

Keep fighting the good fight (Never give up, never give up)
Keep letting your light shine (Holding it high as long as you live)
'Cause I'm never gonna leave you
Always gonna see you through to the other side
Keep fighting the good, fighting the good, fighting the good fight, good fight

Even in the road blocks (yeah)
Even through the rough spots
When you're feeling you've given all that you've got
I'm with you in the next step
Giving you in the next breath
I'll be the voice saying "You're gonna make it"
When you're out there on your own
You are never alone

Keep fighting the good fight (Keep fighting the good fight) (Never give up, never give up)
Keep letting your light shine (Keep letting your light shine) (Holding it high as long as you live)
'Cause I'm never gonna leave you
Always gonna see you through to the other side
Keep fighting the good, fighting the good, fighting the good fight, good fight

Just keep on singing (Keep on singing)
And keep on dancing (Just keep on dancing)
Joy will be your banner
And My love will be your anthem
And you may never know what your tomorrow holds
But you can know that I am holding your tomorrow

Keep fighting the good fight
Keep letting your light shine
Keep fighting the good fight (Keep fighting the good fight) (Never give up, never give up)
Keep letting your light shine (Keep letting your light shine) (Holding it high as long as you live)
'Cause I'm never gonna leave you
Always gonna see you through to the other side
Keep fighting the good, fighting the good, fighting the good fight, good fight

Fighting the good fight

My Journey

Just six years ago this was my reality. DEATH....It had been knocking on my door for years. I was exhausted and tired of fighting. My family had just sent me to treatment just 8 months before this, hoping that I would come back better. I did for only a few months. Then the inner demons came right back at me taking me down, to almost death. Its scary to look back on those dark days. I decided to go to treatment once again but to a place that was free of charge and spiritual based.

I went to Mercy Ministries (now Mercy Multiplied). I am so thankful for each person I met at Mercy and really finding God for myself. I was ready to find healing and wholeness at this point in my life. Whats cool is that even in my disbelief, God still met me and walked with me.

Six months of being at Mercy were some of the hardest months but I walked away different. No I wasn't done healing and still had many struggles ahead of me. But I knew where my true strength came from and that was God. I had a staff that believed in me, loved me, and walked with me, with compassion. I never felt alone there. It was the beginning of a new journey and life.

Since being graduated from Mercy almost 5 years ago, I've had many struggles within my eating disorder and depression. I have thought I was going to lose it again, lost hope, had zero strength....But I can tell you even when I wasn't fully seeking God, he was fighting for me. My family, friends, treatment team was fighting for me. I may have felt alone, but I am never alone.

This is a journey that I'm on. I have to fight my eating disorder behaviors and depression. But I have and will not give up. As I've stated before, God hasn't left me and he won't now. Its a hard but beautiful journey. So there is hope for each of us who are struggling within the mental disorder realm! We have hope in Jesus. We are warriors in this battle. We will fight together and not give up. Keep on warrior!

Keep Fighting the good fight :)