You Are Not Your Eating Disorder

Yes, I'm posting a clip I wrote about Christen again. But what I want you to focus on is:

" You are not 

Your illness. 

You have an

Individual

story to tell.

You have 

a name,

a history,

a Personality.

Staying 

yourself 

is part of

the battle."

I love this quote, I'm unsure who wrote it. I won't take credit for it :). But friends, we are not our eating disorder. How cool is that. I have been guilty of saying, "my" eating disorder. Oh my word, its not "my" because I am speaking that its still part of me. Yes, I still struggle but I don't have to be identified to the eating disorder as possession over my life. 

I believe when we take out the possession of the Eating disorder, it doesn't have as much power over us. I mean in reality, who really wants the power of being identified as only being the girl who has an eating disorder. It takes time to begin peeling the onion and changing your mindset of how you view yourself outside of the eating disorder. This takes times, and I'm still learning this daily. 

Viewing yourself outside of having an eating disorder is hard. We are powerful women who have a story to share. Our story is to help others overcome there own demons of the eating disorder. The cool thing is even if we are still in the middle of our struggle, you can help others by sharing your passion of overcoming, having victory over small things and big things, being yourself to others, and being true to YOU!! 

God has a plan for each of us. Yes, at times I struggle with this because I want a quick fix, my own power. But God is working for us not against us! He is waiting for us to fully give over the eating disorder to him! He is unfolding your story right in front of you! We can choose to write out own story which brings more defeat than anything. Or we can choose to allow God to help write our stories. These stories become powerful! It takes the power of our eating disorder to a story of healing and redemption. Still learning each day on how to let go and let God! 

Be you, fight for you, fight for others, love yourself, be kind to yourself, help yourself, help others, don't give up....

A song I cling to daily, it inspires me to fight!!!!

Until you stop breathing
Until you stop bleeding
Until your heart stops kick-drum beating
When it's hard times
When it's long days
And the enemy is right up in your face
When your back's against the ropes and you're feeling all alone

Keep fighting the good fight (Never give up, never give up)
Keep letting your light shine (Holding it high as long as you live)
'Cause I'm never gonna leave you
Always gonna see you through to the other side
Keep fighting the good, fighting the good, fighting the good fight, good fight

Even in the road blocks (yeah)
Even through the rough spots
When you're feeling you've given all that you've got
I'm with you in the next step
Giving you in the next breath
I'll be the voice saying "You're gonna make it"
When you're out there on your own
You are never alone

Keep fighting the good fight (Keep fighting the good fight) (Never give up, never give up)
Keep letting your light shine (Keep letting your light shine) (Holding it high as long as you live)
'Cause I'm never gonna leave you
Always gonna see you through to the other side
Keep fighting the good, fighting the good, fighting the good fight, good fight

Just keep on singing (Keep on singing)
And keep on dancing (Just keep on dancing)
Joy will be your banner
And My love will be your anthem
And you may never know what your tomorrow holds
But you can know that I am holding your tomorrow

Keep fighting the good fight
Keep letting your light shine
Keep fighting the good fight (Keep fighting the good fight) (Never give up, never give up)
Keep letting your light shine (Keep letting your light shine) (Holding it high as long as you live)
'Cause I'm never gonna leave you
Always gonna see you through to the other side
Keep fighting the good, fighting the good, fighting the good fight, good fight

Fighting the good fight

My Journey

Just six years ago this was my reality. DEATH....It had been knocking on my door for years. I was exhausted and tired of fighting. My family had just sent me to treatment just 8 months before this, hoping that I would come back better. I did for only a few months. Then the inner demons came right back at me taking me down, to almost death. Its scary to look back on those dark days. I decided to go to treatment once again but to a place that was free of charge and spiritual based.

I went to Mercy Ministries (now Mercy Multiplied). I am so thankful for each person I met at Mercy and really finding God for myself. I was ready to find healing and wholeness at this point in my life. Whats cool is that even in my disbelief, God still met me and walked with me.

Six months of being at Mercy were some of the hardest months but I walked away different. No I wasn't done healing and still had many struggles ahead of me. But I knew where my true strength came from and that was God. I had a staff that believed in me, loved me, and walked with me, with compassion. I never felt alone there. It was the beginning of a new journey and life.

Since being graduated from Mercy almost 5 years ago, I've had many struggles within my eating disorder and depression. I have thought I was going to lose it again, lost hope, had zero strength....But I can tell you even when I wasn't fully seeking God, he was fighting for me. My family, friends, treatment team was fighting for me. I may have felt alone, but I am never alone.

This is a journey that I'm on. I have to fight my eating disorder behaviors and depression. But I have and will not give up. As I've stated before, God hasn't left me and he won't now. Its a hard but beautiful journey. So there is hope for each of us who are struggling within the mental disorder realm! We have hope in Jesus. We are warriors in this battle. We will fight together and not give up. Keep on warrior!

Keep Fighting the good fight :)

Cherishing My Time with Christen

As we are beginning Eating Disorder Awareness Week, I wanted to make sure to take time to honor my brave and beautiful warrior. Let me introduce one of the most kind and beautiful woman, Christen Michele. She is a dear friend of mine. She may not be here physically anymore but she will always be in my heart. 

Christen and I met at Mercy Ministries. Where we spent 6 months together fighting for freedom from our demons. We both came in because we struggled with eating disorders, depression, anxiety, self harm. I remember the first time we had our "first real conversation". We both had to sit on the couch after our meals. We were suppose to work on assignments and not talk. Well if you know me, I like to TALK....And Christen enjoyed chatting also. 

We spent 6 months together. We were both able to overcome and fight our demons. She brought much laughter into my life on the hard days at Mercy. We would walk in the backyard, encourage one another, cry together, laugh together, watch movies together. We did a lot together in the 6 months at Mercy. God showed up big time in each of our lives. 

Christen knew how to light up a room with her smile and laugh. Even on her hardest days of fighting she would have a smile on her face and asking how she could help another person out. I always wanted to have more compassion like she did! Her heart was absolutely beautiful and pure for others. We all wish we could have a little more kindness and love for everyone. Christen is this example. 

I can sit here and share all the memories, amazing things about my sister Christen. But I'm also here to share the reality of Eating Disorders. The reality is Eating Disorder's have the highest mortality rate in the mental health field. People are usually shocked because suicide, alcoholism , and drug abuse are the "addictions" you hear most of. With people losing their battle.  But I am here to tell you that more men and women die of Eating Disorders because of heart failure, heart attacks, depression causing suicide. Its hard to share the "real" side of eating disorders. But its the reality. 

Christen is one of my best friends from Mercy Ministries. She is not a bad person because she lost her battle to the eating disorder. She is actually one of my hero's. Crazy you might be thinking, but she never gave up!!! Her body just gave out. Christen is a perfect example of being brave, fighting the good fight, and never giving up. She inspires myself still, our community, and our sisters who are still battling their own battles today. 

As I honor my sister and friend Christen today. I want you to know she fought hard! She never gave up. She always kept God at the center of her life. The enemy just took over her entire life. So if you find yourself in this position where you are lost, tired, fighting for your life. Please reach out to myself, a friend, a mentor, a counselor, a pastor. There are people out there with resources and ready to walk hand and hand with you. Don't give into the lies anymore. Lets be more than the disorder!!! I'm fighting right beside you! 

Keep fighting the Good Fight

You are Brave!!!! 

Eating Disorder Awareness

I'm a little early with starting National Eating Disorder Awareness week. It only starts in two days. This is a subject I am very passionate about. Battling an eating disorder myself over the years has been a challenge full of ups and downs. Its not always pretty, but I do know there is ALWAYS hope for me and other fighters out there.

First off to my sweet friends who are on the struggle bus, you are not alone!! You have a fellow fighter right beside you. Please don't feel as if you are alone in this battle. That is what the enemy wants you to see is that you are alone, but you are not. We are in this together until the end. Reach out to me, a friend, a counselor, a mentor, or a pastor.

For new readers to the blog, here is a bit background story of my journey:

I remember the first time that I began having a fear of food. I have a great mom, she always packed my lunch for me for school (probably until I was a senior in high school). But sometimes she would forget to make me a lunch or I would leave it on the counter (It was probably the second reasoning :) ). So I almost always had a lunch for school. One of the days I forgot my lunch was in the 6th grade. I had a couple dollars on me that day. I remember getting a coke and powered donuts. So healthy, I know. But I remember looking at the label of the powered donuts. I saw the fat grams/sugars/calories. This was my first understanding of "fat". It freaked me out just a little. I remember my inner dialog of thinking, I am hungry but so I won't get fat I'll only eat three of these. Its taken me years to remember this situation, but I remember now like it was yesterday.

My innocent little soul at 12 years old was changed that day. I would never be the same. No one knew when I was that young because I was an extremely thin kid/teenager. It wasn't until I was 21 or 22 that it would become known to the public and others. One little forgetful moment of forgetting lunch threw a huge demon into my life that I would battle with.

There are many more facets to the beast of the eating disorder. For me throughout my journey I have dealt with deep depression, anxiety, exercise addiction, loss of friends, hurting family/friends. Its not a pretty journey for myself, my family, and others who have supported me on my journey.

Today, its still a daily battle! I'm learning its a choice. I absolutely love my new job. I fly all over the country and international, but as packing food, bringing healthy things, eating out, plane food, a lot of challenges are brought in this. So I'm learning each trip what I missed bringing or need to start bringing. Oh the joys of learning how to practice it in your daily life.

God has been the only stable thing in my life through it all. Even when I was not committing my life to him, he still kept me alive and going. So I'm thankful the Lord has stayed continuous in my life. Because I wouldn't be here today if I didn't have God fighting on my side. Wow...a new thankfulness in my heart is here tonight. So he has given me strength even when I wasn't seeking him or being faithful to him.

I have had my parents who didn't like talking about my struggles, or saying just eat. But my golly, they have put me through treatment centers, prayed for me, helped pay for therapy sessions, let me fall and get back up, loved me unconditionally even when I was hard to love. They have lived in fear because they know eating disorders aren't easy to handle or deal with. But they have been faithful in every step. I am so thankful. And have prayed non stop for years!

A couple of people have been stable in my life and they know who they are!!!!! People who have prayed for me, listened to me, let me cry, let me be angry, speak my mind, be myself. They are far and few in between but they have been there. We are spread around the country and out of the US, but they have loved me unconditionally.

We all need people in our lives to love us through it all. You probably feel alone, because in my disorder, I have felt so alone and isolated. But know you have me, other fighters, God on your side. We are fighting with you and for you when you are down and weak. Be a safe friend that a fighter needs. WE all need safe people who can fight with us and be there in time of need.

Hang in there Fighters. You are not alone!!!! We are in this together.

Depression is Real...But so is God

Depression is Real....Its a struggle I've had for many years. Its not fun to admit it or to be open about it. But we honestly need more people to share their heart on tough subjects. Its a battle that comes and goes in life. Partly I believe it can be very chemical in each persons brain. But I also believe we can change it by our thought process. It may not cure our depression or negative thoughts, but we can feel better when we start speaking life over our depression. Gods truth is what brings us peace and healing. 

I honestly HATE it!! Its not pretty or fun. I hate it for each person who I know deals with it also. My heart goes out to you and others who struggle with this beast. I'm sorry the enemy tortures you also. I can say I've struggled most of my life and adult life with it. As I say it comes and goes. It sometimes is circumstantial and sometimes chemical. It all depends on the situation going on in my environment. 

In the past six months, I can say as I have come in and out of depression, its been environmental. I have moved from Arkansas to Dallas, Texas to Miami, Florida. Now that is ALOT of change. Being out of my comfort zone that's for sure. My family is my life. My nephews are my world. I can't tell you how hard that has been to be away from them. Even going home a couple times a month, it still doesn't make it easier. I try to enjoy my time with my family and nephews when I'm able to fly home for a couple days! They will always hold a special place in my heart. 

As being a Flight Attendant is stinking amazing. Its fun to be out of the country one day and back the next. You meet fun people and interesting people along the way. But it can become very lonely at times also. Which can cause the depression to rear its ugly head. Being away for twenty days a month on average isn't easy. Its hard to build community where I am. The job is great overall though. Who can complain about getting paid to lay on the beach? Not me! 

One thing through this season I'm learning is I only have God to walk with me daily. Being reminded that as real as the depression can get at times; how much more real my God is. He hasn't left my side in any of this. Honestly he is the reason I am here today. His daily Grace to carry me through. 

Today, I was able to go sit on the beach here in Florida. I snapped the picture above. I was reminded about how God is holding my hand through this entire journey. As the waves crashed in on shore, I began to have a heart of gratitude. It took my mind off the depression trying to take over my mind and brought a peace that I needed. It is a peace that only God can bring into each of our lives. I was reminded of how our circumstances can change when our mindset shifts away from the problems. No this isn't a quick fix. I might feel down again tomorrow. But for now I will embrace the peace God has given me. 

God gave this verse this week for me to hold tight too. 

-2God grabbed me. God’s Spirit took me up and set me down in the middle of an open plain strewn with bones. He led me around and among them—a lot of bones! There were bones all over the plain—dry bones, bleached by the sun.3He said to me, “Son of man, can these bones live?”I said, “Master God, only you know that.”4He said to me, “Prophesy over these bones: ‘Dry bones, listen to the Message of God!’”5-6God, the Master, told the dry bones, “Watch this: I’m bringing the breath of life to you and you’ll come to life. I’ll attach sinews to you, put meat on your bones, cover you with skin, and breathe life into you. You’ll come alive and you’ll realize that I am God!”

This passage has been encouraging to me. I have held tight to this truth. The lord is speaking truth and life into me. I daily have to cling to his truth, so I will not stay stuck but find peace in my life. I pray that this all will be a starting point for you too. 

Carry on!