Liberating and Free

Here's to a delirious blog post! I have been wanting to write all day. So finally two jobs later, I AM HERE! So bear with me through this.

Yesterday, I needed to be a recluse for a few hours. And the times I need to get away, it is in the best interest for myself and others around me! I can sometimes not be nice. So I drove myself out to run the trails. Its my place to run, think, pray, cry, talk out loud, and not have to deal with reality. I had no agenda but to enjoy myself and escape life for a bit. There is absolutely NOTHING more freeing than to be alone splashing through the mud, getting muddy, hearing only nature around me, and having a few explosions (few will understand that last one)!!!!! It was a quiet day for a Sunday afternoon out there. I loved every minute of it. 

Running is my outlet from the world. Yes, it can work against me because of my struggles with being obsessed with burning calories and having to be fit. But this day it was surprisingly not about that. Probably one of the most freeing feelings for me, is knowing this time it wasn't for burning calories. It truly was for me to get away from life and the things bothering me to just BE. We aren't quiet or still long enough to just BE! So guilty of this! 

As I ran the trails I allowed myself to forget my struggles, my fears, my hurts, my pain to be thankful! I felt like a little kid again. Since the day before it had rained the trails were MUDDY!!!! But I became the innocent little girl that I had missed out on for many years. The carefree girl came out of me. I began to not jump around the mud but to embrace jumping in it, splashing through it, and enjoying myself. Much of my life has been filled with a lot of pain and hurt. Few of you know my story and may be one day I'll be open to share more to encourage you to fight through your own daily pain. But it was a liberating 7.5 miles for me. 

Not a great picture but you can see some of the mud I enjoyed jumping in. It was a beautiful time for me to find a new freedom in life. To walk away from painful memories and embrace the inner child I had missed out on. This doesn't mean things are easy or great but to make new memories and start moving forward from past abuse. Its like in an area of my life, I am living again. Its crazy how it all came out on the trails. I ran extremely slow for me. My running friends would tell me to shut up! But I'm here to say I was running trail at a 10:40 average mile pace!!!!!! Call me a turtle. But the pressure was off myself to perform within the running sphere. I was free to enjoy. I felt like myself for a short time. A piece of myself was put back together. 

I hope you enjoyed being on the journey with me for a moment. Life is a journey! Its a daily choice in how you choose to react and be. So choose wisely my friend. Go out and live your adventurous life. It is worth being your unique self that no other feet can fill! 

Today you are you, 

that is truer than true. 

There is no one alive 

who is youer than you.

Dr. Seuss

The Journey Continues Four Years Later

I looked up many different definitions of Mercy. One I found hit home to what it means to me.

Mercy- Compassionate Treatment. 

This is a great way to explain Mercy Ministries. (www.mercyministries.com) 

I love this necklace! You know when something has such deep meaning to your life? I understand its just a materialistic thing. But what a reminder it has written on my heart. My mom actually gave it to me not long after returning home from Mercy in 2011. I still put it on with my outfits! Its a reminder of the place I found God to be real in my life. And my journey of healing began. 

I walked into Mercy Ministries a broken, lost, little girl at heart. I was filled with living a worldly lifestyle, that I thought I would never be able to come out of. I had not only hurt myself but had been hurting my family and friends for years. People who loved me and fought for me, I was daily hurting. They were at a loss...No wait, I also was at a loss. I was knocking on death's door step! How scary is that? I look back at that and it's scary to think how I was so close to death with my lifestyle. And the thing is, I was choosing that lifestyle and death over myself. WE have a choice! There is power in understanding we have a CHOICE!!! Its a daily choice! 

Enough about the negative....Yes, I was in a BAD place. But you know what??? The beauty is I FOUND JESUS! I had been in church at times in my life, but so hardened that I wasn't open to God 100 %. Having a hard heart allow the devil to have that stronghold, which then keeps you from God. Yup, that was the story of my life. The way I explain it at times is, the devil had my heart hardened and closed my ears off to hear truth. 

I remember allowing God to come into my heart a few weeks after being there. It was so beautiful. I was able to unleash some of my struggles slowly. I had a very patient counselor who listened and walked through some of my wounds with me. She taught me so much during my time at Mercy. I also had a director over the house in California, who is still in my life today. We had such a special bond while I was there. She always shared a verse with us. And recently it became real in my life. 
John 10:10
The thief comes only 
in order to kill and steal and
destroy. I came that you
may have and enjoy life,
and have it in abundance
(to the full, till it overflows).

I lived many years in defeat even after Mercy I had my struggles. And defeat would come over my life. But I remember texting Momma Cheryl just a week or two ago. And I finally said I have let go of defeat and come to the second half of the verse! And she said ITS A CHOICE!! Not that boldly, but I am speaking boldly to you! But I was like WOW, 4 years later, I'M UNDERSTANDING!!! We don't have to live in defeat, addiction, depression, anxiety, death, anger, sadness, lust, comparison, jealousy, and overall worldly lifestyle. YOU CAN ENJOY LIFE AND HAVE IT IN ABUNDANCE!!!! 

Many people have had such a HUGE influence on my life at Mercy. I found God. Which is most important. I began my journey of healing. Which is amazing. I had a Mercy sister bond like none other. I have friends who will always understand me. It was the start of the journey and life I am on today! 

Over the past few years, its been a journey! A roller coaster journey!!! I have continued to heal, continued to find Jesus, strayed away, gone back into addiction at times, and much more! But one thing is, each time I have fallen, God himself has picked me up or sent someone who was more mature in the faith to pick me up. He has sent people in my life to help continue fight the the journey of life and help me continue to heal! its definitely not been easy, but I do know that I have a fighting spirit in me that has kept me going. I am very grateful to the woman I am becoming because of the couple people who have stood by me, encouraged me, never given up on me, and have fought for me when I couldn't fight!! God has done some amazing things. And will continue. I will continue healing and fighting this battle. Because I know life is worth living and fighting for. 

Mercy was a stepping stone to set me up for life and continued healing. I am forever grateful! 

Sun + Tanning = CANCER!

Oh here I am again! Its that time of year. You probably don't want to be harped on or convicted. I KNOW!! I KNOW!! I will try to keep it raw and real as always, but encouraging too! About once a year I will get on my band wagon of tanning, the sun, and protecting your skin. The only reason I became so passionate is because I am a Melanoma Survivor! I'm thankful to say I'm a Survivor! And I know only God has healed my body of cancer. Three weeks ago I actually had my 6 month and yearly checkups for it all. About a week later I found out I was still clear from any type of Melanoma Cancer! How great is that!!! Yes I share the good and healing but I'm also here to educate and share my journey of tanning beds, laying out in the sun, and not wearing sun screen.

Here are a few pictures from when I had the Melanoma removed. And this came from a small mole, it was brown and irregular but not huge.

 
I remember as a child going to tanning salons and sitting on my game boy as my mom tanned. Or fighting with my brother :)! Also in the summers we spent many hours at the pool. As a kid my mom did make me wear sun screen! But things changed when I was a teenager, I would go to the country club with my friends where I was introduced to "being bronze and tan equals beauty." This is one of the biggest lies I had ever believed! So I remember around 12 years old, I started using tanning oils and baby oil to tan my skin. Yes, it looked good at that moment but I had no clue what was happening to my skin. This continued each summer until I was 22. But when I was 15 after begging my mom she finally gave into me going to the tanning bed. I loved the tanning bed and that's where I lived year round. SCARY!!!!

Being tan became part of my identity. I felt more confident, more accepted, and more beautiful when I had a tan. And I'm sure a lot of women can identify themselves with this lie. I then had the opportunity to live 1 mile from the beach for a season. My tanning addiction was horrible at this point! Sickening really! Because in reality who really cares how tan you are?

I flew into Arkansas from living in Florida for a little vacation. The first thing my dad said was "what's on your neck?" You'd think I'd be upset that was the first thing out of his mouth, but it saved my life from a shortened life at 22 years old. I was in the doctors office the next day, two days later in the dermatologist, and two days later I got the dreaded phone call. I had a dear friend since preschool who was over at my house! Poor girl at 22 years old sitting on my bed as I speak with my doctor and all I hear is CANCER!!!!!! I then say talk to my dad, I don't understand anything you're saying minus I HAVE CANCER!!!!! And I knew my dad could be strong emotionally for myself and my family. It actually was comforting at that moment to have Casey at my house when I received the news. Something to break the ice from the emotions raging. So if you're reading Casey Hale, I appreciate you during that time!!

I believe it was 2 weeks later I had surgery. Everything was so fast! I hated surgery because I wasn't put to sleep besides "chill out drugs." I probably needed much more than just that ha!!! I even think my mom stayed in there for part of it. Really I don't know. Its been six years ago this July. So memories are fading, which is great for me! Sometimes major things in our lives bring in trauma (which is a whole different topic) and I know this brought in anxiety and depression.

I'll stop all the process of some of things I went through now because there is more. But I will challenge you to think twice this spring and summer before you step into the tanning beds or going to lay by the pool or beach. First off step out of the tanning bed PERIOD!  It now has been proven that tanning beds are 10x worse than the suns exposure. Crazy huh? Its been researched. So please don't look at the Ads and the BEST deals to tempt you into getting into the tanning bed. It kills and causes severe cancer. Also when you do go out into the sun, put on sun screen!!! I'll be honest I still go to the lake house and swim in the pool in the summers! But you better believe I will have 30 SPF on. So I still get tanned and enjoy the sun but nothing like I use too. And really who cares that you are pale or white? Isn't that how we were created in the beginning? You don't see other races laying out in the sun do you? Exactly! We should be protecting ourselves from the sun daily.

Think Twice this Summer about sun exposure! Its not worth the risk of cancer! Because cancer SUCKS!! But it did make me a stronger person and I appreciate the life God has given me now.

It just isn't worth your life or dealing with cancer.

Just keep on keeping on :)

Learning to Fight

DEFEAT...DEFEAT...DEFEAT...DEFEAT....defeat...defeat..defeat.....

Sound familiar? I know it does for me. Majority of my life actually! Its one of those familiar words that I hear over and over because the enemy plants the lies in my mind. Recently things have began to change, its a slow process but I'm moving forward.

Jeremiah 1:19
They will fight against
you but will not overcome
you, for I am with you and 
will rescue you," declares
the Lord. 

There are many reasons I have felt defeat for the majority of my life. I will share a few and you may be able to relate to some of the things. I finally graduated college but have yet to find a career. I have dealt with the same struggle with anorexia, bulimia, EDNOS for so many years. I have messed up too many relationships because of my struggles. 

I may have shared a few reason I feel as I have the feelings of defeat. But reality of it, I may struggle with these things but its not who I am. Learning that I can control my thoughts and how I react has been freeing for me. YES, OF COURSE I still act out in defeat or other emotions. Learning to line my thoughts with positive thoughts and with the word of God has brought peace to my life. 

As things have been shifting my whole perspective on life has changed. I have gotten out more, rekindled friendships, starting to like myself for me, I can skip a day of running, I'm having more peace. This is from getting back in the word, speaking truth over myself, having accountability, working my butt off, and getting back into community. Things shift when you put positivity into it!

My challenge for you is to start speaking positive, life giving words over yourself and others. Start small and continue to add more positive things such as the word of God, scripture, accountability, and maybe even the book "Battlefield of the Mind." Its a challenging book but will change your perspective on your entire life!! 

Keep on Keeping on!! 
Fighting the battle with you! 

Be Kind

Kind: of a good or benevolent nature or disposition, as a person.

I love sharing pictures to go along with my blog entries. I'll share a bit about my sweet Anne here. She has a rare skin disorder, she was born with. But this sweet little girl has the best attitude! I have nothing wrong with me and still groan and complain. We all can learn from her. She has a heart for people and cares for others like no other 10 year old that I've seen.

You see, I feel as we are too busy with our own life, that we miss slowing down and listening to others. I know I personally get wrapped in my own junk and issues, where I forget about what is going on in others lives. I was stopped in my own steps a week or two ago. I was sitting in the break room at work, where usually go sit in my car so I don't have to talk people. But I truly believe things don't happen by accident. As I sat there, a co-worker came in. We began small talk as I wanted to bolt. I love talking with people when I have a relationship with them, but the superficial stuff I'm just over. I feel as I keep it real here!

We began to really talk, and guys she needed to chat. So I listened and my heart broke for her. She is just going through a rough season of life. We all have these times in life. As I continued to listen and share a few words with her, I realized something. We need to take more time to listen to others and where they are in life. All they may need is someone to be kind and gentle with their words and listening. It was only a 10 minute conversation but a conversation that changed my perspective on being more intentional with listening to others needs around me.

We all can learn from Anne (pictured above) and how she is kind and loving to others. Take a step back and look for opportunities to listen to others and love on others. We need more people in our world to be kind to one another.

As I leave you with this challenge as I'm challenged also. Be kind and take time each day or once a week to listen to someone more in depth than just hey hows it going. You could change someones life in just 10 minutes!

As I always say:
Keep On Keeping on!

Longevity over Momentarily

Oh my stars! As my cute two year old nephew would say!!! I feel as a strong runner, I continue to be injured or aches and pains. My life the past few years. I'm only 28 for goodness sake! I'm not an old grandma yet, I shouldn't be having these problems :). But its my life and my journey.

As I was running through some pain recently in my quad I began to think. I'm an over analyzer, which is nothing new. But As I thought, I was like okay this may be my passion and my outlet but is it worth it for my longevity of running? I thought and was like no, this is just momentarily. As mad as I have been and upset, I am finding that I can still bike and swim. So I am still getting in exercise daily. But its nothing like running or the feel I get after a run.

Coming to terms of wanting longevity over momentarily fix has been hard but worth it. Yes, if you know me personally, I have tried to run a few times but can't make it far without wanting to cry. I miss waking up early and meeting up with my running buddy's. They make running worth it also. The accountability, the conversations, what is said on the road stays on the road, the laughs, and all of the above. Its a community.

But its time to heal up some of injuries. Yoga has been keeping me SANE during the times I can't run. So if you're a runner and need an outlet, try yoga!!! It definitely helps with brain balance and overall moods. I just have to remember this is just momentarily! I'm working on longevity.

A side note but something that has been a positive for me in this journey, is that there is another runner who is also injured. We have been in conversation and biking together when our schedules collide together. That has been nice. The greatest thing she has said was: I have been having dreams about running. It is beyond true! Oh how I miss it! But you can build new friendships without running. They are more meaningful also.

Learning to slow down and take care of my body. Its a marathon not a sprint.

Longevity over Momentarily. If I can do this, you can do this!

Keep on Keeping on!

Coffee and Friendships

This year, I have made a plan to blog more, share from my own personal experiences, be real, and inspire others to become a better person. So here we go! 

Isn't coffee art just beautiful? I love it! Wait...I LOVE COFFEE! I maybe an addict :) Really this blog isn't all about coffee. Its truly what coffee brings to the table. It brings true friendships and relationships together. Most likely, you don't just sit down with anyone over coffee. I know that I don't. Five years ago I may have just because I wanted everyone acceptance. Now, its rare and far between. But when I do have the chance to sit down with a friend, its beautiful. I see it as an intimate time with a friend, spouse, mom, mentor. You share your struggles with zero judgment. You are safe for that moment. How freeing is this? I may have two people I can truly share the deep struggles with and that's okay. We don't need a ton of people to share that stuff with. 

It's also a place to share your dreams with. Most people keep their dreams to oneself because they are scared of being judged and crushed that their dream can't happen. But the people who are true and genuine friends will encourage that dream to flourish! How encouraging is that? They will connect you with the right people to allow the dream to keep moving forward. They believe in YOU as a person. 

These true friends will cry with you, mourn with you, grieve with you, and carry you through that moment. You can be completely real. I don't like showing my real emotions, always been a struggle. You want life to look GREAT on the outside. And guys life SUCKS...IT SUCKS!! Did I say that loud enough? But you aren't meant to go through it alone. As I said I have very few people I would sit down with. But the couple women know who they are. And they will support you. Its just taking that guard down and saying it all. I'm still not great at sharing when things aren't well. But its a journey. Don't just open up to anyone. Be cautious. But there are people out there to support you. 

Coffee brings LAUGHTER. Who loves to laugh? I do! I'm a clown once you get to know me. Completely silly. What better way to start or end your day over coffee and many laughs? Its beautiful. And I hear that laughter can be the BEST medicine. I love stories and people that make you laugh so hard, your stomach hurts! Oh surround yourself with these people. 

It can bring HOPE to the dark places. WE all need hope. So I leave you with HOPE today. Go grab a cup of coffee with that person you can be real with. and find HOPE again. 

Just keep on keeping on!