Learning to Fight

DEFEAT...DEFEAT...DEFEAT...DEFEAT....defeat...defeat..defeat.....

Sound familiar? I know it does for me. Majority of my life actually! Its one of those familiar words that I hear over and over because the enemy plants the lies in my mind. Recently things have began to change, its a slow process but I'm moving forward.

Jeremiah 1:19
They will fight against
you but will not overcome
you, for I am with you and 
will rescue you," declares
the Lord. 

There are many reasons I have felt defeat for the majority of my life. I will share a few and you may be able to relate to some of the things. I finally graduated college but have yet to find a career. I have dealt with the same struggle with anorexia, bulimia, EDNOS for so many years. I have messed up too many relationships because of my struggles. 

I may have shared a few reason I feel as I have the feelings of defeat. But reality of it, I may struggle with these things but its not who I am. Learning that I can control my thoughts and how I react has been freeing for me. YES, OF COURSE I still act out in defeat or other emotions. Learning to line my thoughts with positive thoughts and with the word of God has brought peace to my life. 

As things have been shifting my whole perspective on life has changed. I have gotten out more, rekindled friendships, starting to like myself for me, I can skip a day of running, I'm having more peace. This is from getting back in the word, speaking truth over myself, having accountability, working my butt off, and getting back into community. Things shift when you put positivity into it!

My challenge for you is to start speaking positive, life giving words over yourself and others. Start small and continue to add more positive things such as the word of God, scripture, accountability, and maybe even the book "Battlefield of the Mind." Its a challenging book but will change your perspective on your entire life!! 

Keep on Keeping on!! 
Fighting the battle with you! 

The Struggle of a Runner

The struggle is REAL! If you have met me for more than 5 minutes, you will know I'm an avid runner. Its my life, its my passion, its my stress relief, its what keeps me going. Well the past two years has been a roller coaster of injuries, pains, slower times, and discouragement. But I've not lost my drives or passion for running. Nor have I taken the time off to fully recovery from each injury. And I'm okay with that! It may have just taken a little longer to fully heal.

Well, where I say the struggle is real. Its my latest thing. Thank God its not an injury but it still dampens   my running. Friday I was out for a run, in my favorite running weather. It was a drizzling a little and was in the 40s. I was a happy runner. I felt great, strong, and running a good pace for me. I was content, just thinking and enjoying my run. I hit Tyler and Hogan and my right calf cramped up. Now you have a tough girl sitting on the side walk holding back tears. Even though I was cramped up, I was more mad that I couldn't continue running. I stretched with no luck. So I hobbled home. Did some stretching and felt okay. But I was still upset I couldn't finish my run. That's just the mind of a runner. I did end up getting over it and going to work.

Fast forward to yesterday. I was house sitting and lived only about 1.5 miles from the fitness center. So my great mind was run up there, go to weight training, and then do some running afterwards. My plan is not always the right plan. Goodness, that hurts. We all want to think we have the right plan or idea. Well my great mind wasn't right on this day. I didn't even make it to the fitness center before it cramped back up. Now talk about an angry person coming out. I was like really? Why is this happening to me? I was so angry. I may still be a little upset about it. So I went on to weight training and just modified some of the exercises. Takes my pride away to do that. Because I want to be the best at everything. Not always a good trait that I have. And really STRIP my pride having to ask someone to take me home because I know I can't make it home running.

Oh the journey! It has been hard for me to accept and take care of the soreness. I have learned that my plan doesn't always go as planned. And that my plan in reality doesn't matter. I can try and do it my own way and hope for the best. But I have to take a step back and take care of my body. I started potassium, rolling on a foam roller, and low impact cardio. Its not what I want but hopefully all will work itself out!

If you are an injured runner and missing it. Embrace your journey and know it will be over eventually. And we all will be back on the roads soon enough right!!! I know a few days of rest, I'll be back at it! Its just frustrating and a struggle for being a strong runner! Trying to put my runners smile on. keep on keeping on friends! The journey and struggle is real but doesn't have to define us.

I'll let it as my mantra: Keep On Keeping On! Never Give up! 

The Health Journey continues....

So about a month ago I talked a little about losing my health and trying to find it. Well, its still a journey but its becoming a beautiful journey. Lots of ups and downs, and twists and turns. Its been ugly on days and pretty on others. If you or know someone else who has been through something significant that has shaken your life, you know all too well what a journey looks like. It would be great if I could say I woke up one morning and life was just great! But you know the journey is what makes you, you. It can shape you into a better, stronger, more beautiful person. And that's what the journey is all about. Its messy with some pieces of beauty in it.

Here's a piece of my health journey that I find beautiful and find hope in.

I have found myself for once in my life. I always felt so stuck in my head and couldn't get out. I had a friend tell me for a while to get into yoga, my excuse was I'm not flexible or calm enough to do it. I ended up just attending one yoga class and was hooked. I am still not extremely flexible but I go with it. I find myself daily trying something new with yoga.  Its like stop, drop, and do yoga. My only outlet for years was running. This was the only time I could find some clarity. And YES, I'm still a very avid runner, when I'm not injured. I just ran 10 miles of trail yesterday. The passion for running will probably never leave this runners life. 

I am grateful that I am finding myself and my health. I feel as my entire life of battling the disorders that I have, I was made to find health. I was sent he to treatment or told to see a therapist. Nothing worked. I didn't want it fully for myself until other things arose in my life. My health was crumbling away right before my eyes. It kinda scared me. One professional got real, she said I give you just a few years of living if you don't get it together. It was a kick in the butt. Something clicked for me to realize I have to take action or see death sooner than I'd like. 

Since its been the first time I've been finding it for myself its more beautiful but doesn't mean its easier. I don't have to have a treatment team of people on me or working with me daily. That's not what I needed. I needed to find things that worked for me. A lot of the work has been done alone, some consulted with a physician, some work with a counselor, and accountability. I had to make choices alone of getting off my medication and learn how to function without it. But reality with a few supplements and getting off I am such a happier person who actually likes life. Many other decisions have had to be made but the medication was the biggest and the best choice. So do what's best for you! 

This journey is a daily choice that I choose. Some days I have no desire to try because its a fight, its a battle. But all I do is try my best each day. And that's all you can ask for in yourself. Recovery isn't perfect nor pretty at times, but its worth it. Its worth the person I'm becoming. If my journey gives one person a glimpse of hope it is so worth it. 

Just keep on keeping on 

Health....

I'm feeling a little blog post again. May be I'm becoming inspired again? Who knows. I write a lot to myself just to get the junk out. But not for others. So may be I'm on to something again.

I love being an inspiration to others because of the things I walk through on a daily basis. I don't wish anything upon anyone. Because life can just be HARD. It can suck, if we were to be real here. I'm all about being real. And I mentioned in my other post, the past few months have been hard! Rough and sucked to be honest. The same ole things creep into my life and sucks me in. People die. Accidents happen. Friend in a coma. Graduating college, and starting a new path back in school. Stress. Life. Anxiety. Depression.

And losing your health in the midst of it.

YES, I skipped a few lines in between. But crap happens. It brings you down. You lose your passion for life and others. You have a hard time finding compassion towards others. Its just like you're losing yourself in the midst of the chaos. And a piece of me has been lost. And that's okay. We all lose ourselves at times. But its picking yourself back up and finding yourself.

 That last sentence I put so lightly and seems like I have found it. But let me say this, my puzzle pieces are still scattered everywhere. And that's OKAY. I'm not that easy on myself. But find some grace for yourself. Even if its just a little bit. And if you find that grace for yourself, share with me and maybe I can learn from you :)

When I say I've lost my health. Its not just physically. Its mind, body, and soul. You have to look at it with all perspectives. I suck everyday at something. One area gets better and then another area weakens. Its part of life. But all you can do is try. And I'm not talking about half ass doing it (sorry my word choice). I'm talking about trying at 110%. NO, I'm not always at 110% but I'm there trying. And that's all you can do. If you know at the end of the day, no matter how crappy it was or how great it was, that you gave it your best, than that's a success. And other days on the scale you may be a 0, as in I sucked all day. Well, I've been there and still have those days, WEEKLY.  Don't beat yourself up. Just go to bed as I do and wake up for another day to fight the good fight. And all we can do is keep on, keepin on.


Life is not a sprint, its a marathon.
The journey may suck, but just keep on, keepin on.

My life: Real and Raw

I'm a work in progress, EVERYDAY!!! I'll give you a little background of my life just in case you are newer to my blog. Just so you're not fully lost with my story that will follow. I have battled an eating disorder and over exercising disorder for 13 years and been living in recovery and freedom for almost 3 years now. I am grateful for how far God has brought me. Its only him and a few key people who have helped me get to the place that I am in today. But having these battles I have destroyed my body so much. I can get really sad or angry if I dwell in this place for too long. With my body being depleted of so many vitamins and minerals for so many years I have come to health problems. Between 2012 and 2013 I had 7 oral surgeries. YES 7! It was a challenging year and lots of pain. God taught me a lot during that time that I will be forever grateful for. It was a time to be still and if you know me, being still is like taming a kid!! He was so quiet and tender during the hard times but showed me how forever close he was to me. So here's to my realness! Get ready. Deep Breath. Go.

I shared the part of having oral surgeries for the purpose of what's going on in my life now. Thursday night after a great day of work and excited to hang out with the Watson girls'. We ate dinner, played around the house, they took baths, and then movie time. Since its a treat for me to be over there and watch a movie I decided to make popcorn. I mean who doesn't like popcorn? Its so yummy. We were laughing and enjoying Stuart Little. Then I feel a pop and begin chewing on something more crunchy....Okay drum roll....it was my TOOTH. I was like are you kidding me. Even though I am strong in my faith with God, I said a few words. I was really upset. I kept it together for the girls. After the movie was over and the girls went to bed. I LOST IT. I curled up by the fire and just wept like a baby. I know to you guys reading it may not be as big of a deal. But the trauma of 7 surgeries in a year and half just brings me back to those moments. I went to the dentist Friday morning and got something I didn't want to hear. I had fractured a tooth and a bone above it. And YES this is over POPCORN!!! Dr. Gordy told me my bones were so weakened from my past addictions that it didn't take much to break! So here we go on another ride. Heading back to my surgeon this week! I have struggled with knowing this. I have been angry, mad, sad, cried, bitter, anxious, and many more emotions.

So where I am today. Still having a hard time accepting the situation. Been very discouraged. But God blessed me with a sweet friend Friday evening to just vent all this too. She listened to me whine, be sad, and frustrated. But she cared even if I sounded erratic, thats what I needed. She encouraged me to SPEAK TO MY MOUNTAINS IN THE NAME OF JESUS!! This has stuck with me since Friday. I speak out loud and LOUD for the enemy to go. She also gave me a verse to memorize and stand on during the difficult times that I will face today and later in life.

Isaiah 61:2-3
He has sent me to tell
those who mourn
that the time of the
Lord's favor has come,
and with it, the day of
God's anger against
their enemies.
2) To all who mourn in
Israel, he will give a
crown of beauty for ashes,
a joyous blessing instead
of mourning, festive praise
instead of despair. In their
righteousness, they will be
like great oaks that the
Lord has planted for
his own glory.

So in my pain and heart ache there is HOPE and joy that will come. I'm holding onto this promise as I begin a new journey of surgery. I'm not sure what the future holds with my surgery and situation. But I now have a new hope and more peace. I will continue to update on this journey as I know more.

I know people who read my blog has their own struggles. I pray that you can find hope through this verse just as I have. That no matter what we face, we will overcome it. It may not be fun at the moment and may be painful but there is HOPE!!

Understanding Addiction

Its not by accident that you have ran into my blog today. God may want to speak to you through your own struggles or watching others suffer through addiction. I'm praying that you will find understanding, freedom, hope, and encouragement from this blog.

Addiction: is the continued repetition of a behavior despite adverse consequences, or a neurological impairment leading to such behaviors.

Addiction is a hard topic, many don't want to talk about it, admit they have an addiction, or confront it with a loved one or a friend. I mean who wants to talk about addiction? I used to never talk about it because its easier to keep it a secret from others. Addiction is bondage. And with not talking about my struggles for 8 years kept me in bondage. I was dying inside in many ways. Scary to think about today as a healthy woman. Even after talking about my addiction I still was in bondage but being open and honest brought freedom/recovery slowly. Guys addiction is a journey. 

Someone here may deal with alcohol, drugs, eating disorders, porn, sex, cutting, anxiety, depression, bi polar, and so many more addictions. And whether you are in recovery today or just seeking it now, ITS OKAY. You've come to a safe place to find freedom. 

Addiction is a slow process that takes a grip of you. But this grip ends up holding you captive for a long time. When I was starting out with my eating disorder at age 11, I didn't realize it was slowly grabbing me and taking me captive. I was controlling my food and exercise because of other circumstances that had happened to me. But the hand of addiction grabbed me so tight where at age 23 I could have died from it. I was so deep within my anorexia at this time it was hard for others to watch me slowly die. I became to live in the world of "denial" which most addicts live here. I didn't care I was killing myself or others at this time in my life. It had me so tight that not eating and exercise was my life. 

Addiction is a killer. And being addicted to things in my own life, I have to each day go before the Lord and seek him to guide my steps, my mind, and my life. Because in one second I could go right back to old behaviors because they seem "appealing" which in reality I know its not. It has been God that has sustained me each day since I was 11 years old. I have to daily cling to God because without him I would not be living a life full of freedom and recovery, have my family, have support, and would not have the testimony that I have today. God gets the glory for all the things I have been through. 

If you are supporting one who is struggling with an addiction please please LOVE THEM. Showing them love and acceptance is the best thing a friend or family member could do. We don't need someone to make us feel ashamed anymore than we already do. A lot of shame comes with dealing with an addiction because you have let yourself down and the ones who love you the most. Encourage them don't condemn them. Show the person Jesus in anyway that you can. Jesus is the only one who will and can bring you full healing. Get this person HELP. Don't get me wrong I have been to numerous counselors and treatment centers that FAILED..Yes I said FAILED! But the last place I went was Mercy Ministries. This is where I found God and truly sought freedom from Him and not people or doctors. What a freeing feeling that is. So there is hope in your situation. Get the right help that is centered around God. 

Know there is hope for you no matter where you are today. If you are struggling thats OKAY, just seek God and the right help for you. I am here if you need me. Addiction is REAL. Be open and be FREE!! More to come on addiction! 

Disciplined?

Discipline: Training to act in accordance with rules.

This has been on my heart lately. Most of my life I have struggled with living a lifestyle of discipline. Because discipline doesn't happen over night its a daily lifestyle. I love starting my day out with God and exercise, with this said it happens about twice a week. I'll start my week off GREAT then slowly start setting my alarm later and later, then a SNOOZE and another SNOOZE...Who here can relate to this? This is a cycle that I'm daily making a choice to break.
So I began to pray for discipline and right after I began to pray for more discipline I had a slap in the face from God it felt like. I was listening to a preacher/mentor in my life on a Saturday evening recently and he began to speak on DISCIPLINE!!!! I was like OKAY God what do you want me to learn from this. This was the BIG slap in the face that has changed my mindset and my life. My whole perspective has changed in that I am THANKFUL! Here is what Pastor Adam Had to say:

"Quit praying to be more disciplined act on it and make it a daily lifestyle. Daily get up when you don't feel like it. Do your school work, dont just expect a good grade." 


My whole life was rocked that Saturday evening. I would pray for discipline but nothing would "happen" until I put action into my life. So if you are looking for a life change act on it with Faith!!!! God wants us to all be disciplined! Pray for it but also ACT on it!!

week 2 goal: Find an area you want to be more disciplined in and start making changes today. God is ready to move in your life in a different way this year!!!