The Beauty of Life

Beauty comes in all shapes and forms. This friend of mine is one of the most beautiful human beings I know. Courtney shines with a beauty that radiates from the inside out. Look at the smile on her face, this was a smile that truly came each day I saw her at work. She would bring light into a room that needed to have a little extra lighting. Even with how beautiful she is on the outside where the true beauty comes from is  her relationship with the Lord. It was a contagious beauty that others wanted. There was something different about Courtney. Her love not only for the Lord but for others was something I saw day in and day out. She inspired me to love others right where they were. Because she loved me right where I was. She had a heart and love for the orphans unlike anyone else I knew. She would travel to Haiti to work with kids who were hurting or suffering of diseases. She didn't care what  "plague" they had on them. She showed them love and grace, just as Jesus would. She is a true example of being the hands and feet of Jesus.

Courtney and I became friends just a few short months before our lives would be turned upside down. But the privilege I had to be part of her life day in and day out was beautiful. A little background of our friendship: We met working at a restaurant called Tacos 4 Life. I was in between graduating college and finding a job. We instantly clicked, which is weird to think because if you know me and know Courtney. We are two totally different people. I'm a little rough around the edges and shes a woman of love for everyone. As we worked together we built a friendship that would later change my life. I would share my struggles with food and body image issues. She would look at me and say in the sweetest voice "Whitney, look at yourself, be confident in the beauty God has given you." Now this comment makes me tear up. I didn't see it but she saw it. She saw through the eyes of Christ. Courtney would listen to my hurt and pain and always remind me who "Whitney was in Christ. That Jesus hadn't abandoned me because of my struggles. We had some precious moments in the dish room at Tacos. I would be the one probably cussing and angry because it was 12:30 AM and we were still at work. Y'all she didn't complain and still had to drive back to Romance Arkansas, a 45 minute drive from work. I learned so much from a girl who is 7 years younger than I am. She brought me back to the Lord when I saw no hope to continue on. She didn't look at my struggles or short comings, she saw the good in me and showed me the things that were positive about myself. We need more people in our world like Courtney.

On August 3rd, 2014 our lives were turned upside down. We actually had been to church that morning. It was refreshing to be back in church. She had encouraged me to come with her for a while. So I went this beautiful Sunday. I actually remember church that morning was about  surrendering our lives back to the Lord. HUMMM....did God have a plan or what that day? We talked in the foyer for a bit after church, gave each other a hug, and said I will see you tomorrow at work. Tears steam down my face as I recall this day like it was yesterday but it was a year ago. Something so terrible but yet so inspiring happened that day. Courtney and Mrs. Gina were in a wreck not two hours after saying goodbye. Mrs. Gina had passed but Courtney was fighting for her life. The next few weeks at UAMS is a blur. I was at the hospital the next days and weeks. I would go pray and talk to Courtney as she laid there. I told her how her impact had changed my life and many others. That she would walk again and have life again. We spoke truth over Courtney on the darkest days of her life.

Today, one year later Courtney is still recovering. The beauty of her recovery is that she hasn't given up. Today she is relearning how to do thing such as sitting up, walking, and learning to speak clearly. One thing this girl will tell me when I start talking too much is NOO!! Oh goodness how I love her!! I am thankful for her life, her recovery, her continuous love for the Lord. She maybe considered different to society but she isn't. She is still the Courtney I knew a year ago. She is stronger, braver, encouraging than I will ever be in my life.


No matter where you find yourself right now in life, its not over. We don't have to give up. Days I want to give up and throw in the towel I think of my sweet friend Courtney. I remember the fight she has put up to find the recovery she is finding today. We all can learn to fight our own battles with strength and grace that the Lord has given Courtney, he has given US.

Our lives can all be turned upside down in a second and not promised another day. So lets live our lives as its our last. Making the most of every opportunity. I am thankful for the life Courtney is living and the example she gives me day in and day out to live by.

Court and I go on walks....I drive her crazy and tells me to SLOW down!!!!

Usually I jump in bed to play on the Ipad or watch a movie. Shes like a little sister :)

Embracing the Journey of Relationships

Ever felt lonely and that its never going to change? We sadly live in a world where a lot of us feel this way. Whether its truth or a lie, its how we feel! I have had MANY seasons where I was lonely or  I didn't "fit". Its been a life long journey of ups and downs.

I believe a lot of our insecurities come from how social media makes our life's look more "glamorous" than it is in reality. We get stuck in what others are doing and how "fun" their life looks. But really is their life good? It possibly could be, but very well could be a struggle for them also. When I get caught in the social media bug, I make myself sign off and occupy in a different way. If you catch yourself in the same place be STRONG and walk away!!!! Not worth being lonely over.

Some of the time it was my own fault of isolation. When I didn't feel like I was fitting into the puzzle I would retreat back to myself. For a moment it felt like I was superior of it,  reality I was only hurting myself. So its definitely a choice at times. But sometimes its not a choice.

We all have seasons where relationships just don't work. And that's not always our choice. I've been "let go" or "abandoned." I've seen close friends have the same thing happen in their personal lives. IT HURTS. Its not easy. And the pain of this causes trust issues and issues with becoming close with people around you. You have a guard up that's higher than the Wall of China. Been there!

Reality: through my seasons of loneliness and loss I have learned a lot. I have realized the importance of my closeness to the Lord. How he is the only who can satisfy my needs, cravings, and desires. Not one person can fill those needs. Heck yah its been a struggle seeking the Lord. I haven't always been one to seek the Lord. So it is a struggle. But when I do, I know all my loneliness will be met.

Also I have realized that having a couple key people in your life is all you need. And when I look at my circle, I just think WOW!!! I am blessed. But Satan knows how to mess with my mind and take my focus off of how blessed I am and bring me to the thoughts of "loneliness." This is a lie friend!! If you can say I have 1 close friend out of your family, you are doing well!!!

If you are feeling lonely, abandoned, hurt, angry, or done with relationships, it is OKAY. Its a season. I pray that the Lord will bring that one person to walk life with you. You are worth more than being lonely.

To say the least I have very few close relationships but I am blown away with how amazing the Lord has been faithful to give me what I need. Here are a couple friends that we have stuck by one another through loss, break ups, addiction, struggles, flat out HARD TIMES. These friends are hard to come by but they are out there! I know I am loved right where I am. Judgement free zone. Find those friends, be that friend.

 "We are all a little weird and life's a little weird, 

and when we find someones weirdness is 

compatible with ours, we join up with them

and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love." 

Yup, I learned about a selfie stick last night...I took at least 50..maybe 100..Megan wanted to take it AWAY!!!

One who has not left my side and has come to my rescue MORE than once. More than I can count. 

These are just examples of REAL friends. REAL sisters. REAL love. Its out there. Sometimes we have to go through lonely, crappy times to have these friends. But don't grow weary. It will happen for you. Be a REAL friend to have a REAL friend. 

Never Give UP! 

Running and Balance: Do they go together?

First off, I want to blog a whole lot more than I do! Its been over two months since my last post. This is a place to share my heart and real life challenges. But as challenges come it becomes harder to be transparent and open with the world especially. So here I am once again at it.

Lately, I have been battling how to have balance in my life (all areas).  I laugh because my last post had to do with running as this one does too! Don't be surprised when I talk about my exercise life :). Its just part of my DNA! I love it would be an understatement. Some days I wish I didn't love it like I do.

Balance: mental steadiness or emotional stability; habit of calm behavior, judgment, etc.

I laugh at this specific definition of balance. Am I any of these? At times I can be, but not often. As I mentioned earlier, running is my life. My ENTIRE life. It was something that I started doing by age 8 or 9. It was one thing my dad and I did together when I was young. He would take me out and coach me and run with me. It was such a memory I will cherish for forever. It was "our" time. No one was with us. Just dad and I. Even as a kid and young teenager I had a gift of running. Yea, some of you are telling me to shut up right now! It also something I was good at since life came with learning challenges at school. 

As long as I can remember I've been running. Yes, I've had seasons of where I wasn't as passionate about it or just didn't run due to circumstances. But over the past 5 or 6 years I have become obsessive with it. And I've had periods of where I didn't obsess over it. About a month or two ago I felt I needed to find some balance in this area. I'm a person who has to literally take one thing at a time and then move on to the next. So I took a sabbatical from running. Did I enjoy it? Not really. Was it hard? UMM YES. Did I mentally struggle? YES!!! But I took off. I had to daily surrender it to the Lord. Even when I didn't feel like it. And still have too. Because quickly I can go right back to the same patterns. 

For the past month or so I have gone to the gym, walked a lot, and did intervals with two friends. Having Mira and Heather run/walk with me helped a lot. It has been nice to have that accountability and support during a workout. They probably don't realize the impact they have had on this journey but its been beautiful. And you know what even though I haven't always enjoyed this season of exercise I have come to enjoy not being so obsessed in my head with: whats my next workout? And I've enjoyed taking the intensity off. 

Taking the pressure off of myself to perform in my exercises has helped me find balance and peace. I may still wear a watch when I run but I don't compete with my pace or others around me. I am just me. I feel much better that the pressure is OFF.  There is no shame or competition with who I am becoming in this area. Each day is a new day to surrender and it looks differently each day. Its a journey as I tell many people. Daily journey that I'm learning to embrace. Its not easy on some days!

Keep on Keeping on. Be brave.

 

Liberating and Free

Here's to a delirious blog post! I have been wanting to write all day. So finally two jobs later, I AM HERE! So bear with me through this.

Yesterday, I needed to be a recluse for a few hours. And the times I need to get away, it is in the best interest for myself and others around me! I can sometimes not be nice. So I drove myself out to run the trails. Its my place to run, think, pray, cry, talk out loud, and not have to deal with reality. I had no agenda but to enjoy myself and escape life for a bit. There is absolutely NOTHING more freeing than to be alone splashing through the mud, getting muddy, hearing only nature around me, and having a few explosions (few will understand that last one)!!!!! It was a quiet day for a Sunday afternoon out there. I loved every minute of it. 

Running is my outlet from the world. Yes, it can work against me because of my struggles with being obsessed with burning calories and having to be fit. But this day it was surprisingly not about that. Probably one of the most freeing feelings for me, is knowing this time it wasn't for burning calories. It truly was for me to get away from life and the things bothering me to just BE. We aren't quiet or still long enough to just BE! So guilty of this! 

As I ran the trails I allowed myself to forget my struggles, my fears, my hurts, my pain to be thankful! I felt like a little kid again. Since the day before it had rained the trails were MUDDY!!!! But I became the innocent little girl that I had missed out on for many years. The carefree girl came out of me. I began to not jump around the mud but to embrace jumping in it, splashing through it, and enjoying myself. Much of my life has been filled with a lot of pain and hurt. Few of you know my story and may be one day I'll be open to share more to encourage you to fight through your own daily pain. But it was a liberating 7.5 miles for me. 

Not a great picture but you can see some of the mud I enjoyed jumping in. It was a beautiful time for me to find a new freedom in life. To walk away from painful memories and embrace the inner child I had missed out on. This doesn't mean things are easy or great but to make new memories and start moving forward from past abuse. Its like in an area of my life, I am living again. Its crazy how it all came out on the trails. I ran extremely slow for me. My running friends would tell me to shut up! But I'm here to say I was running trail at a 10:40 average mile pace!!!!!! Call me a turtle. But the pressure was off myself to perform within the running sphere. I was free to enjoy. I felt like myself for a short time. A piece of myself was put back together. 

I hope you enjoyed being on the journey with me for a moment. Life is a journey! Its a daily choice in how you choose to react and be. So choose wisely my friend. Go out and live your adventurous life. It is worth being your unique self that no other feet can fill! 

Today you are you, 

that is truer than true. 

There is no one alive 

who is youer than you.

Dr. Seuss

The Journey Continues Four Years Later

I looked up many different definitions of Mercy. One I found hit home to what it means to me.

Mercy- Compassionate Treatment. 

This is a great way to explain Mercy Ministries. (www.mercyministries.com) 

I love this necklace! You know when something has such deep meaning to your life? I understand its just a materialistic thing. But what a reminder it has written on my heart. My mom actually gave it to me not long after returning home from Mercy in 2011. I still put it on with my outfits! Its a reminder of the place I found God to be real in my life. And my journey of healing began. 

I walked into Mercy Ministries a broken, lost, little girl at heart. I was filled with living a worldly lifestyle, that I thought I would never be able to come out of. I had not only hurt myself but had been hurting my family and friends for years. People who loved me and fought for me, I was daily hurting. They were at a loss...No wait, I also was at a loss. I was knocking on death's door step! How scary is that? I look back at that and it's scary to think how I was so close to death with my lifestyle. And the thing is, I was choosing that lifestyle and death over myself. WE have a choice! There is power in understanding we have a CHOICE!!! Its a daily choice! 

Enough about the negative....Yes, I was in a BAD place. But you know what??? The beauty is I FOUND JESUS! I had been in church at times in my life, but so hardened that I wasn't open to God 100 %. Having a hard heart allow the devil to have that stronghold, which then keeps you from God. Yup, that was the story of my life. The way I explain it at times is, the devil had my heart hardened and closed my ears off to hear truth. 

I remember allowing God to come into my heart a few weeks after being there. It was so beautiful. I was able to unleash some of my struggles slowly. I had a very patient counselor who listened and walked through some of my wounds with me. She taught me so much during my time at Mercy. I also had a director over the house in California, who is still in my life today. We had such a special bond while I was there. She always shared a verse with us. And recently it became real in my life. 
John 10:10
The thief comes only 
in order to kill and steal and
destroy. I came that you
may have and enjoy life,
and have it in abundance
(to the full, till it overflows).

I lived many years in defeat even after Mercy I had my struggles. And defeat would come over my life. But I remember texting Momma Cheryl just a week or two ago. And I finally said I have let go of defeat and come to the second half of the verse! And she said ITS A CHOICE!! Not that boldly, but I am speaking boldly to you! But I was like WOW, 4 years later, I'M UNDERSTANDING!!! We don't have to live in defeat, addiction, depression, anxiety, death, anger, sadness, lust, comparison, jealousy, and overall worldly lifestyle. YOU CAN ENJOY LIFE AND HAVE IT IN ABUNDANCE!!!! 

Many people have had such a HUGE influence on my life at Mercy. I found God. Which is most important. I began my journey of healing. Which is amazing. I had a Mercy sister bond like none other. I have friends who will always understand me. It was the start of the journey and life I am on today! 

Over the past few years, its been a journey! A roller coaster journey!!! I have continued to heal, continued to find Jesus, strayed away, gone back into addiction at times, and much more! But one thing is, each time I have fallen, God himself has picked me up or sent someone who was more mature in the faith to pick me up. He has sent people in my life to help continue fight the the journey of life and help me continue to heal! its definitely not been easy, but I do know that I have a fighting spirit in me that has kept me going. I am very grateful to the woman I am becoming because of the couple people who have stood by me, encouraged me, never given up on me, and have fought for me when I couldn't fight!! God has done some amazing things. And will continue. I will continue healing and fighting this battle. Because I know life is worth living and fighting for. 

Mercy was a stepping stone to set me up for life and continued healing. I am forever grateful! 

Sun + Tanning = CANCER!

Oh here I am again! Its that time of year. You probably don't want to be harped on or convicted. I KNOW!! I KNOW!! I will try to keep it raw and real as always, but encouraging too! About once a year I will get on my band wagon of tanning, the sun, and protecting your skin. The only reason I became so passionate is because I am a Melanoma Survivor! I'm thankful to say I'm a Survivor! And I know only God has healed my body of cancer. Three weeks ago I actually had my 6 month and yearly checkups for it all. About a week later I found out I was still clear from any type of Melanoma Cancer! How great is that!!! Yes I share the good and healing but I'm also here to educate and share my journey of tanning beds, laying out in the sun, and not wearing sun screen.

Here are a few pictures from when I had the Melanoma removed. And this came from a small mole, it was brown and irregular but not huge.

 
I remember as a child going to tanning salons and sitting on my game boy as my mom tanned. Or fighting with my brother :)! Also in the summers we spent many hours at the pool. As a kid my mom did make me wear sun screen! But things changed when I was a teenager, I would go to the country club with my friends where I was introduced to "being bronze and tan equals beauty." This is one of the biggest lies I had ever believed! So I remember around 12 years old, I started using tanning oils and baby oil to tan my skin. Yes, it looked good at that moment but I had no clue what was happening to my skin. This continued each summer until I was 22. But when I was 15 after begging my mom she finally gave into me going to the tanning bed. I loved the tanning bed and that's where I lived year round. SCARY!!!!

Being tan became part of my identity. I felt more confident, more accepted, and more beautiful when I had a tan. And I'm sure a lot of women can identify themselves with this lie. I then had the opportunity to live 1 mile from the beach for a season. My tanning addiction was horrible at this point! Sickening really! Because in reality who really cares how tan you are?

I flew into Arkansas from living in Florida for a little vacation. The first thing my dad said was "what's on your neck?" You'd think I'd be upset that was the first thing out of his mouth, but it saved my life from a shortened life at 22 years old. I was in the doctors office the next day, two days later in the dermatologist, and two days later I got the dreaded phone call. I had a dear friend since preschool who was over at my house! Poor girl at 22 years old sitting on my bed as I speak with my doctor and all I hear is CANCER!!!!!! I then say talk to my dad, I don't understand anything you're saying minus I HAVE CANCER!!!!! And I knew my dad could be strong emotionally for myself and my family. It actually was comforting at that moment to have Casey at my house when I received the news. Something to break the ice from the emotions raging. So if you're reading Casey Hale, I appreciate you during that time!!

I believe it was 2 weeks later I had surgery. Everything was so fast! I hated surgery because I wasn't put to sleep besides "chill out drugs." I probably needed much more than just that ha!!! I even think my mom stayed in there for part of it. Really I don't know. Its been six years ago this July. So memories are fading, which is great for me! Sometimes major things in our lives bring in trauma (which is a whole different topic) and I know this brought in anxiety and depression.

I'll stop all the process of some of things I went through now because there is more. But I will challenge you to think twice this spring and summer before you step into the tanning beds or going to lay by the pool or beach. First off step out of the tanning bed PERIOD!  It now has been proven that tanning beds are 10x worse than the suns exposure. Crazy huh? Its been researched. So please don't look at the Ads and the BEST deals to tempt you into getting into the tanning bed. It kills and causes severe cancer. Also when you do go out into the sun, put on sun screen!!! I'll be honest I still go to the lake house and swim in the pool in the summers! But you better believe I will have 30 SPF on. So I still get tanned and enjoy the sun but nothing like I use too. And really who cares that you are pale or white? Isn't that how we were created in the beginning? You don't see other races laying out in the sun do you? Exactly! We should be protecting ourselves from the sun daily.

Think Twice this Summer about sun exposure! Its not worth the risk of cancer! Because cancer SUCKS!! But it did make me a stronger person and I appreciate the life God has given me now.

It just isn't worth your life or dealing with cancer.

Just keep on keeping on :)

Learning to Fight

DEFEAT...DEFEAT...DEFEAT...DEFEAT....defeat...defeat..defeat.....

Sound familiar? I know it does for me. Majority of my life actually! Its one of those familiar words that I hear over and over because the enemy plants the lies in my mind. Recently things have began to change, its a slow process but I'm moving forward.

Jeremiah 1:19
They will fight against
you but will not overcome
you, for I am with you and 
will rescue you," declares
the Lord. 

There are many reasons I have felt defeat for the majority of my life. I will share a few and you may be able to relate to some of the things. I finally graduated college but have yet to find a career. I have dealt with the same struggle with anorexia, bulimia, EDNOS for so many years. I have messed up too many relationships because of my struggles. 

I may have shared a few reason I feel as I have the feelings of defeat. But reality of it, I may struggle with these things but its not who I am. Learning that I can control my thoughts and how I react has been freeing for me. YES, OF COURSE I still act out in defeat or other emotions. Learning to line my thoughts with positive thoughts and with the word of God has brought peace to my life. 

As things have been shifting my whole perspective on life has changed. I have gotten out more, rekindled friendships, starting to like myself for me, I can skip a day of running, I'm having more peace. This is from getting back in the word, speaking truth over myself, having accountability, working my butt off, and getting back into community. Things shift when you put positivity into it!

My challenge for you is to start speaking positive, life giving words over yourself and others. Start small and continue to add more positive things such as the word of God, scripture, accountability, and maybe even the book "Battlefield of the Mind." Its a challenging book but will change your perspective on your entire life!! 

Keep on Keeping on!! 
Fighting the battle with you!